Winter Breeze

03Oct2010

Ber is here. Actually like a month ago… but it just dawned on me that the ber months are finally here just because of the weather.

As I feel the cool breeze… I get so excited by getting to experience my first thanks giving holiday with my hubby and his family. The first Black friday… at the same time I get so down for thinking that I might not be able to spend christmas with them.

If I do spend christmas in Hong Kong, it would be a sad, lonely christmas… Another christmas without my hubby. Another cold christmas in the cold city.

Sleepless Nights

02Oct2010

I know for a fact that everything happens for a reason. Everything needs to be justified. For me at least… Even the slightest problem in the world I always want find a way to justify or convince myself for believing the reasons that “I THINK” is right. Maybe its a way to make me feel better.

I’ve been having sleepless nights – as I speak. It is 5.30 in the morning, I was up since 4… or maybe earlier than that. It’s like I was asleep but I wake up every 5 minutes… or so I think.

I think I know the  reasons why I’ve been having sleepless nights/days – to “justify” and to make myself feel better, I am making a list.

I start with the possible reasons… Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right. I don’t really know.

  • I’m a living pillow, My hubby likes sleeping so close to me.. more like squishing me. No complains though I like cuddling – Not when I try to sleep or get comfortable though… it’s hard to move when you’re locked in someone’s arms.
  • Our bed is too small for the 2 of us, we need a king size bed. I don’t have space to move and get comfortable.
  • My hips gets sore when I sleep on one side more than 10 minutes. So I roll like a washing Machine. I think it’s because I am gaining weight, I am getting heavy and when I’m asleep the pressure is on my side hips. O.o
  • My Right shoulder hurts. It hurts when I lift my arms up. It hurts when I sleep on my right side.
  • I sleep more than 8 hours.
  • I’m stressing about my green card application. It is still processing and I need to wait 4 more months.
  • We are broke. we spent most of our money on my green card application :( Why is it so expensive to be with your husband in the US? I think I know why a lot of illegal immigrants are “illegal” because not everyone could afford to get legalized. It costs a fortune to pay for the application and you’re not even sure if you will get approved or you will just have to go back to your country and forced to be parted from your husband/Family.
  • I need to work but I can’t till I get my application approved. I’m stressing about our bills.
  • I’m thinking about my Family I left back home… OR maybe they are thinking about me?
  • I’m worrying about the responsibilities I left back at home.
  • I’m gaining weight.
  • I don’t exercise.
  • I have High cholesterol.
  • I’m bored.
  • PMS???

My paranoia is kicking in. I could not think of any possibilities why I’m having troubles in sleeping.

  • someone Died?
  • I’m going to die?
  • Something bad happened to my Sister and my nephew?
  • I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
  • Someone is thinking about me?
  • I’m getting cheated on?
  • Something bad will happen to me?
  • I’ll get rejected on my green card application? Oh.. Did I type that already?
  • I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
  • I’ll get rejected on my green card application?

Okay okay. So most of my worries are about my application.

Please DO NOT judge me. A lot out there probably think that I married my hubby just for the green card. In a way, you’re right… but for the wrong reasons. I need a green card because I want to be able to work and help my hubby pay bills. I want to help, I want to be useful. I HATE BEING A BUM LIKE OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MOOCHES OFF MONEY FROM FAMILY and FRIENDS. Most importantly, I would like to be able to live here and be with him, so we could start a new life, a family and get settled.

We tried to live in Hong Kong, I sponsored for his resident card but he is not comfortable living halfway across the world knowing that his mom has heart problems. Of course he would want to be near mom if anything bad happens.

I left a good paying job and a pretty decent life in Hong Kong just to be with him and I don’t have any regrets on that. I am happy being with him and I don’t want to be away from him anymore. We both waited one year just to be together. We both don’t want to be away from each other anymore, we waited long enough. We deserve to be together and live a normal life. If it weren’t for this immigration formalities, our life would be so so so much better and we could be more focused in saving money and starting a family.

But then, I know in the long run these hardships would make us closer and stronger.

I am so stressed right now. I think Im having a nervous breakdown. Someone please help me?

Ms. Piggylin

 

01Oct2010

yep, that’s what my sister and My uncle John used to call me before. It’s cute, in a way… but sometimes it gets really annoying when you are in a serious situation. But anyway, that was before… when I used to be so chubby. Not that I’m not chubby now it’s just that I lost a lot of weight the past couple of years.

I never really believed people saying once you get married and have kids you’ll get back all those weight you once lost. I think I am starting to believe it… and I’m actually gaining a lot of weight ever since I moved to Florida with my husband. Okay given that I am jobless and all I do all day is eat, sleep, go online, and then the next day it’s the same routine. I did sign up for a gym membership, I never went though, I have my reasons:

  • 1st – I don’t drive
  • 2nd – I can’t drive no license
  • 3rd – I don’t have a car
  • 4th – I don’t want to ask favors from anyone to take me there because everyone in the household is working but me.
  • 5th – I don’t want to walk in the sunny highway of Florida – I don’t want to get a dark skin its about 3 miles from the house…
  • 6th – I might get robbed if I walk… Just being cautious.
  • 7th – My Itunes is messed up I can’t update my ipod, I can’t exercise without the music I like.
  • 8th – For some reason, I feel like everyone is looking at me at the gym and I get kinda conscious about it.
  • 9th – I don’t have a buddy I could go with and enjoy it with
  • 10th – I get bored exercising I leave the gym after an hour

and so on.. and so forth.

Okay so maybe these reasons are nonsense… I just use it to not go to the gym. I know for sure that I should go to the gym and start losing some weight. Better yet, watch my diet and quit eating junk food and crap. I have no idea why I can’t control myself anymore. I used to be so… erms. Health conscious.

One day I was just doing a little bit of reminiscing… Before I met my hubby, I was  motivated to lose weight because I wanted to look good , I wanted to impress him and I wanted him to be proud of me when we walk on the streets or at the mall or when he introduces me to his friends or coworkers… Before My hubby even stepped in the scene. I was starting a diet and was losing a lot of weight every week. I was single then, of course. I was single and looking. ;)

I had a very different lifestyle… I could say I was more likely to be what you call a single, independent, career driven type of woman. I used to love what I do, I loved my Job, I loved being independent. I came to a point where I don’t go home and just practically live at work and the gym. I just go home and sleep and do the same routine every single day… very different from now… VERY.

My Daily routine would be, I wake up in the morning at 8am eat my highfiber cereal with nonfat milk. (Sometimes soy milk), I go to work at 10am I work, I used to be home ware coordinator and assistant to the creative director on a interior designer retail warehouse… On lunch time I would go to a restaurant or foodcourt with my coworkers… I normally eat just Vegetables and meat. For desert I have mixed fruit which is papaya, watermelon and pineapple. for snack I sometimes eat my left over from my desert. Then I get off from work at 7pm. I go straight to the gym and work my ass off. Then to top it all off I spend almost 30mins in the sauna/steam room and relax. I go home feeling relaxed… I DONT EAT DINNER! instead I make myself a cup of tea and some fiber cookies. Then off to bed. Next day, it will be the same routine over and over for the whole year.

If I wake up earlier I would go to the gym in the morning and go straight to work. Then I would spend my night watching TV or surfing online. On Sundays which is my only day off would be going to the gym and having brunch with my relatives and spend time with them chatting and munching on nuts and drinking tea all day. It was fun in a way… but I got tired of it… I lost a lot of weight though which was a really good thing. I did go out clubbing and eat at restaurants forr dinner with friends but thats just like once in a bluemoon… and if I do eat something really heavy, I will feel guilty and wont eat all day but almonds then bust my ass in the gym.

So that was my life before I met my future husband. Im not saying I hate my life right now… I am more hating myself for losing control over food intake. Once I tested myself if I could resist the spaghetti meat balls my mother in law made the other week… I didnt eat dinner with them but all that is on my mind was the huge meat balls and rich tomato sauce on pasta, sprinkled with parmesan cheese. OH MY GAAAAH! I went so crazy I was eating in the middle of the night like a hungry cat. I just couldnt get my mind off it!

I wouldn’t trade my life right now with what I was doing before because I am way happy to be a spoiled wife. I just want to control myself from gaining too much weight because I don’t wanna be called ms. piggylin again! ;(

What should I do?

PS: I posted something about losing weight sometime in 2008… helped me a lot really. I can share it with housewives out there… ;)

http://foxyroxyloxy.blogspot.com/2008/07/focus-on-other-things.html