Pilipinas - Revelations

I have been reminiscing these past few days, I realized I was a pain in the ass back then. Very different of what I am right now. I did so many stupid things that I can't possibly imagine. I'm thinking this post may not make any sense at all, but I thought maybe it's good to sometimes let it all out in one go, maybe with revealing some things it might make me feel better.
Here it goes:

• My first cut class was on my graders. =) I was in grade 3. One of my stupid classmate said "merlin" (A wizard who has the capacity to give powers) exists and that she knows someone who could give us instructions on where to find "merlin" because I am stupid enough to believe her, I recruited my friends and said if we find "merlin" we will have super powers so that we could cut classes more. It's like a power that we could be in one place at the same time. Something like that. So that day, off we go to the forest (niyugan) Guess what? We end up playing with only our half slip on in the river (ilog)! We were in the middle of nowhere, starting to get dark and I realized my left shoe was missing and little did I know it went floating along with the river. So I went home with my half slip dripping underneath my uniform and with only 1 shoe on. Out of guilt, since I was still a kid then I told my mum I had to cut class because my classmate had an epilepsy attack during our lunch break and we had to take care of her and stay at her home for the rest of the afternoon. We all agreed to tell the same story in case our teachers asked and it was a success story, they all believed us and even thanked us for taking care of our classmate! :) I don't know but my friends said I do very well in reasoning out and get away with things easily like nothing happened. Oh well, I guess I'm talented. =)

• High school was the best. I was popular at school I must say, I had lotsa friends, I can get along easily with almost every group. From hot chicks to geeks to totally invisible people (you know what I mean) but I mostly hang out with guys, its more fun. I'm not a bully but my first visit in the principal's office was when I bullied a new classmate. She was acting bitchy and miss know-it-all first day of school so I had to teach her a lesson. But then she knew my friends and I are ganging up on her so she went straight to the principal's office. That bitch. haha - We became friends after a few months. :D She did learn a lesson though good for her, and that is to stick with the right people. LIKE ME. :D

• I started to drink alcohol on my first year in secondary level - My friends and I had a sleep over and bought a few bottles of Tequila and crisps. I don't remember how we managed to buy it as we were still kids. I think one of my friends teenage cousin helped us out. Anyway I'm the one who had a lot to drink but I was the one who never get drunk. Its a pain in the ass to be one left that is not drunk, not only I had to take care of my friends, it's absolutely disgusting to see them vomit and act weird while the alcohol is taking over their innocent minds. My innocent eyes had to see all the wildness. But I was kind of amused, all my drunken friends were speaking English saying senseless things like, "ugh, Roxanne! the bid is a wit!" "shut up! ssshH! Mrs. Paulino is coming" "Come here grr I want to rape you" (dear god) "I hate you, you fucking bitch get out of my way!" Those are few of the lines I remember, it could be worse. haha Just imagine, 5-6 12 yr old kids all drunk. Damn. I'm ashamed of myself. But it was FUN, we all laughed at ourselves the next morning while being tortured by a massive hang over.

• I came across my old diary a couple of days ago and saw an entry that made me laugh my ass off. This was during my 3rd year in secondary level.

so here it goes: (Tagalog)

August 6, 2004
This week was hecka gulo (chaos)! summon ako sa school kasi nagdrawing ako ng xxx sa magazine ni bea. eh nakita ni sir erwin eh malay ko ba naman na magbabasa ng magazine si sir erwin sa kagitnaan ng klase? And dapat tinago na ni bea yun! ayun sabi pervert daw ako. nakakahiya daw ako kababae ko pa naman daw na tao. It was just for fun! But seriously, I don't know what has gotten to me that day. But it wasnt that bad though! dumdum lang naman at boobs ang dinrawing ko exage naman yang mga yan. hmp. So tomorrow I have to do some work in our school library for my punishment. Tapos hindi lang yun, they said I needed to see our guidance counselor cause they think my disturbing acts has somehing to do with my personal issues at home. DUH! Im not a disturbed child! Shit. I hate this. Then sabi ni sir erwin ipapatawag daw ang nanay ko. pakingshet! nakakahiya. oh my god. Ano nalang ang sasabihin ko kay mommy? ano nalang ang iisipin nya na ang anak nya ay puro kabastusan ang nasa isip?!?! siyet. ayaw ko na pumasok!!!!!
It was really my fault though I admit, I shouldn't have done that, but as Ive said, it was only for fun. Everyone was laughing after I came back from my punishment. Damn I was so embarassed I didn't go to school the next day. As for my mum, she never knew. I asked my cousin to come to school and say my mum was away for a holiday.

• For guys, probably one of their unforgettable experience was when they had a circumcision. I know, 70% of the guys in the world are not circumcised, but whether they've done it or not it will be an unforgettable event in a guy's life. On my part or on every girls part I could say one of my unforgettable moments when I reached my teen years was when I had my first period. haha ok too much info, but I'm just trying to lighten up the mood here --I don't know why my mum went gaga over the news, she actually went outside to one of our neighbors blurting out quote; "Ang anak ko! may regla na! jusco dalaga na si Roxanne! kailangan kong pumunta ng bayan para makabili ng pasador!!! . :D I guess all mums had the same reactions. I just can't see the logic why mothers are happy when they should be scared that their daughters could get pregnant anytime now that they have menstruation. Ok so enough said, I was just sharing. :D

• I remember I was rebellious once, I smoked cigarettes, go home very late at night, sex and alcohol was involved. My friends having sex NOT ME. And I emphasize on that, geez I was just like 13 or 14 I'd be carrying a kid by now if I wasn't smart enough that time. Like any other rebellious teenager, I nearly got expelled from school, I had to do community service, blah blah I didn't really care about what people would think of me, hell I didn't care about what my family would think. I was a total pain in the ass. Black sheep is what they call me, but I didn't mind. I guess everyone goes through that stage. My mum had to buy medicine for her high blood pressure whenever she worries sick of me. I almost joined a sorority, Good thing it didn't pushed through. I literally stopped smoking. I didn't really like smoking, I just thought I'd look cool if I did.

• For me, money was a big issue, being a student with just limited allowance, it sucks! So, I pawned my mobile phone just to have money for my so called "pang aliw" (For entertainment). It was crazy. My mum saw the receipt in my bag one morning, banged my door like a thunderstorm and woke me up by poking my bum with a coat hanger. 5am in the morning she was shouting, "What are you going to pawn next? your soul?!?!" then she hits me continuously with a coat hanger until she sees my hands and arms are red and little red blood spots coming out. after a long monologue and torture session with my mum, she asked once again, "why do you need money?!?!?" I said looking stiff; "wala akong pang aliw!!!!!!" (I don't have enough money for entertainment!) end of story. That is how I was before, insensitive, didn't really care about the world, all I cared about was how I'd make myself happy and I am not proud of it.

• Cars + Boys = What a perfect combination. I remember my friend and her boyfriend used to pick me up and sneak out in the middle of the night to watch illegal drag racing. Not only I enjoy on betting (I actually win sometimes), I also enjoy the fact that oh-em-gee there are a lot of cute guys I could hook up with. OK I'm not a slut I just enjoy meeting new people. I also enjoy pigging out on breakfast with my friends after a long night of racing and socializing and being half asleep in the car while on the way home trying to remember the last conversations I had with guys I met, God what I'd do to go back to those days. *kilig moments*

• Do you still remember your first kiss? I can still remember my first kiss very well. It was with my best friend. It wasn't just a smack, it was a tongue twisting torrid kiss. We were hanging out at a friends house and we were talking about sex and kissing and first times you know that sort of things, then my friend started this "DARE game" and dared me to kiss my best friend. So I did it and they all felt guilty when I said it was my first kiss. I must admit, I liked it and it was really good. hehehe :D

• And lastly, Love life. Falling in love was the best thing that happened to me while my stay in the Philippines. But every single one of them ends up leaving me. We're cool at first and then things get serious then before I know it, they're avoiding me without knowing the real reason. I don't know if the problem is with me or I am just dumb when it comes to relationships. I never had a serious relationship ever. I was scared of commitments. The truth is, I don't really know what a serious relationship means until now.

Back to reality --
3 years ago, when I said "I will never come back here EVER." Well, I kind of just got carried away. I take it back. I had issues left behind. But I think it's about time to bury it somewhere and start anew. It's been a long time since I went back home. I miss my boylets, my friends, best friends, schoolmates, cousins, aunts, uncles, I basically miss everyone. I miss the places I've been to, the usual things I do with my friends and a lot more. I was really different from what I am right now and I'm kind of getting sick and tired of being a loner. But I have no choice. My friends here are either busy at work or busy with their family. So I guess I'm hopeless. Here in HK at least. People here are, oh well, like me. Live, eat, do things alone, independent, lame, freak. This is what I become, from a fun, bubbly & always-on-the-go girl to a boring, melodramatic, workaholic, "I-hate-the-world" kind of girl. Full of hatred and fear. On the other hand - despite all these, I can say I am strong and learned to hold back my feelings. I feel I've changed, but I don't know if I changed for the better or for the worse. I can't really tell and it's starting to scare me. I am definitely 100% sure I am not saying all these because I have my heart broken. It's not always about him. This is about me --How I make simple things complicated and wind up getting myself confused and lost.

"I am happy with my job, I'm happy being alone, but its been a long time since I felt happy with my life in general" -Roxy