Rants, mutterings, Blabberings

But I had to post it, I had to let this all out.

Today started as if it wasn't my day off. I left home early to run some of my personal errands. It's my off anyway so anything I do today would be mostly personal. I tried applying for a Philippine passport because my Aunt offered a free ticket to the Philippines. Why say no? But then I realized I had been stateless since April 2008. I was informed that upon applying a Philippine passport I need to wait for 1 month. My supposedly flight is on the 24th of October. So I had no chance. I 'd lost hope of being happy again. Sometimes I think paying these people off would make my life easier even if it's obviously wrong. Fuck paper works, I really hate it. Who doesn't anyway?

My office mate felt my depression and offered help. So she made some phone calls and spoke with people inside the Philippine consulate. Unfortunately the whole point of waking up early, the guy that supposed to help me was on leave and will be back within a couple of days. Once again, I feel rejected, I felt that maybe, I'm not meant to go back to the Philippines yet, that maybe there is something important coming so my supposedly 3days vacation was put on hold, maybe.. I am not welcome anymore and maybe.. I don't deserve to be happy again and of course, maybe I am overreacting. These things keeps running through my mind since we left the consulate, I was looking for something/someone to blame so it would make me feel better. But I know it's wrong so I end up blaming myself and then I fell in silence, preventing myself from holding any grudges. My office mate was trying so hard to cheer me up and even said she would do everything she could do to get me a passport in 1 week. With that I feel thankful to have her not only as my office mate but also my friend... I truly appreciate the effort But I totally lost hope there is nothing to do to have it back. I lost interest already, the momentum is gone.

The whole point of saying yes to my unexpected come back was I thought somehow, I needed a break. A break from all unimportant things I have been thinking about these past couple of months. Things that didn't make any sense at all, things that made me shrink to the bottom of a shallow pond and made me feel that it is the end of the world, that there is no point of being happy again. But while time flies, I eventually managed to rise up again and accept the fact that life can be cruel sometimes.

When I finally decided to appreciate the good things in life again and thought to start off at clean slate, when I finally set my mind on important things that I should be doing, here comes another unexpected news that I don't know why it affected me in so many ways to realize, that my depression is causing not only the lost of interest of my visit but from the news my dad told me last night. I am falling back in depression to something that I'm not sure whether its worth thinking or not.

My half brother came to visit my dad, my other half brother who is currently living with my dad was also in the same room when my dad broke the news. He kept asking me not to be mad, I wasn't worried as his enthusiasm shows me its something I could be happy with, but why asking me not to be mad? So I was confused. Until he showed me some emails from a girl named Michelle Grace.

I couldn't believe what I was actually reading. Confused, not knowing anything was a good idea. But I muttered to myself, why now? why of all this time she would want to contact my dad? So I looked to both of my brothers, smiling, waiting for my reaction. I was blank, it took a few minutes for me to snap back. I felt anger rising, I was annoyed. I had so many questions but it can't seem to come out from my mouth. Then I realized my face was crumpled like a paper. And I saw my dad's smile faded that instant. He was hurt by my reaction. He was trying to explain, but I only wanted to hear what I want to hear. He asked if I was mad, and I said NO. I have no troubles on lying because my dad didn't know me that much. But inside me was like having a boiling lava just waiting to explode. I remained calm, still thinking about the girl. Still thinking why I am so mad of her coming out from no where suddenly alienating my already complicated family. I stayed for a while to have a chat with my step mother. She didn't know anything and even I felt the urge of telling her, I resisted. Still, despite of being mad, I was concerned of what the outcome would be if she knew. It would certainly hurt her feelings and she would probably want to kill herself for knowing that there is another bastard in my dad's collection of kids. *I hope she won't discover my blog*

There is no point of being mad actually, I'm aware of that. I'm 21, I have a job now, I have my own life to think about. I am mad or rather should I say envious because I know now for a fact that I am not the only girl, and that I am not special anymore like my dad used to say, knowing that she is living a normal life, that she didn't feel the miserable life I felt when I was her age, being hurt of having to see all the affairs my dad had, being a rebellious teenager having no choice but to live with her mum and her gold digger lover, being broke, having totally no allowance even for transport going to school by the lack of support from my dad.. and many many many more. My dad made sure the girl wasn't asking money from us. She just wanted to meet my dad and the rest of us bastards, and I stated harshly that I will never support or give a cent to that girl. Helping my half brothers financially and sometimes emotionally is enough to get back at my dad's upbraiding. I have no right to act or feel this way because they are the only family left and despite all these bitterness, I still love them.

This is probably a mimic of what my sister felt before. That she held all responsibilities and gave up everything for her family-- me & mum. (and mum's fucking gold digger lover) I now understand my sister's grudges to our parents. She deserves to be happy because she gave up literally everything for so long (even her happiness) to support me, to be responsible for everything, to pick up the pieces my dad broke and to put it all back again. Knowing that I wouldn't have to experience what she had, I somehow feel guilty every time I think about those hard times she's been through.

While drowning myself into nostalgia, I snapped back and realized I fell asleep on my dad's sofa. My dad asked me once again trying not to sound worried. Are you mad? and I said, no, its not like I have a choice? I said goodbye, headed to the door without turning back, then I left.

I wallowed deeply in my emotions trying so hard to detach the anger from my heart, trying not to be bitter. But it's something I cannot avoid. And then again I am finding excuses, I am finding someone to blame for all this madness, and it driven me to thinking about the filipina domestic helpers here in HK. I do not intend to offend my "kabayan" infact, I am proud to say that my mum was one of them before she met my dad. The only difference is that she was smart and at the same time stupid enough to marry my dad and accept all his infidelity for almost 12 years. I'm glad they had separated and I know it would make me a hypocrite to say that there is no one single moment in my life I wished for them to be back together, back to being one big family again. If this happened, I could die right away with a smile on my face. (I'm confident to say that because I know it's impossible to happen anyway. :D)

I am blaming them not only for my convenience and to make me feel better but I have been thinking about posting my disapproval to those filipina domestic helpers here in Hong Kong who claims that they are "lonely" because they are far away from their families and that they had no choice (well educated or not) but to accept this kind of job just to lift them from the difficult life in the Philippines. What I am trying to say here is, that filipina's (I am not speaking in general and once again I do not intend to offend anyone) here in Hong Kong are desperately in need of men. If you have a boyfriend or a husband who you want to test loyalty, then this would be the right place to go. Filipina DH (not all of them) here in HK look up to men as their GOD, as the answer to their prayers. Not thinking whether the man is married or not, committed or whatever, as long as it has a dick and fills up calendars to avoid their loneliness, no matter what a man looks like, they don't fucking care. This I am speaking out loud not only because Michelle Grace's mother was a DH (who Im sure claims to be "LONELY" that's why she had a baby with my dad 14 years ago), but because I have heard stories of them causing to different kinds of disgrace and put other innocent filipinas into shame just because they are "LONELY". How pathetic is to ask a guy to marry her because she needs a visa? How pathetic is to have an affair with a married man? How pathetic is to get pregnant with a guy and don't give him the rights to see his kid? How pathetic it is to sneak your boyfriend inside your employers room? How pathetic is to leave your dead baby on the streets of Hong Kong and leave a note saying you're a filipina and that you had to leave your baby because you might lose your job? how much could it get worse? is there an end to this? I don't think so.