Sleepless Nights

02Oct2010

I know for a fact that everything happens for a reason. Everything needs to be justified. For me at least… Even the slightest problem in the world I always want find a way to justify or convince myself for believing the reasons that “I THINK” is right. Maybe its a way to make me feel better.

I’ve been having sleepless nights – as I speak. It is 5.30 in the morning, I was up since 4… or maybe earlier than that. It’s like I was asleep but I wake up every 5 minutes… or so I think.

I think I know the  reasons why I’ve been having sleepless nights/days – to “justify” and to make myself feel better, I am making a list.

I start with the possible reasons… Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right. I don’t really know.

• I’m a living pillow, My hubby likes sleeping so close to me.. more like squishing me. No complains though I like cuddling – Not when I try to sleep or get comfortable though… it’s hard to move when you’re locked in someone’s arms.
• Our bed is too small for the 2 of us, we need a king size bed. I don’t have space to move and get comfortable.
• My hips gets sore when I sleep on one side more than 10 minutes. So I roll like a washing Machine. I think it’s because I am gaining weight, I am getting heavy and when I’m asleep the pressure is on my side hips. O.o
• My Right shoulder hurts. It hurts when I lift my arms up. It hurts when I sleep on my right side.
• I sleep more than 8 hours.
• I’m stressing about my green card application. It is still processing and I need to wait 4 more months.
• We are broke. we spent most of our money on my green card application :( Why is it so expensive to be with your husband in the US? I think I know why a lot of illegal immigrants are “illegal” because not everyone could afford to get legalized. It costs a fortune to pay for the application and you’re not even sure if you will get approved or you will just have to go back to your country and forced to be parted from your husband/Family.
• I need to work but I can’t till I get my application approved. I’m stressing about our bills.
• I’m thinking about my Family I left back home… OR maybe they are thinking about me?
• I’m worrying about the responsibilities I left back at home.
• I’m gaining weight.
• I don’t exercise.
• I have High cholesterol.
• I’m bored.
• PMS???

My paranoia is kicking in. I could not think of any possibilities why I’m having troubles in sleeping.

• someone Died?
• I’m going to die?
• Something bad happened to my Sister and my nephew?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
• Someone is thinking about me?
• I’m getting cheated on?
• Something bad will happen to me?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application? Oh.. Did I type that already?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?

Okay okay. So most of my worries are about my application.

Please DO NOT judge me. A lot out there probably think that I married my hubby just for the green card. In a way, you’re right… but for the wrong reasons. I need a green card because I want to be able to work and help my hubby pay bills. I want to help, I want to be useful. I HATE BEING A BUM LIKE OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MOOCHES OFF MONEY FROM FAMILY and FRIENDS. Most importantly, I would like to be able to live here and be with him, so we could start a new life, a family and get settled.

We tried to live in Hong Kong, I sponsored for his resident card but he is not comfortable living halfway across the world knowing that his mom has heart problems. Of course he would want to be near mom if anything bad happens.

I left a good paying job and a pretty decent life in Hong Kong just to be with him and I don’t have any regrets on that. I am happy being with him and I don’t want to be away from him anymore. We both waited one year just to be together. We both don’t want to be away from each other anymore, we waited long enough. We deserve to be together and live a normal life. If it weren’t for this immigration formalities, our life would be so so so much better and we could be more focused in saving money and starting a family.

But then, I know in the long run these hardships would make us closer and stronger.

I am so stressed right now. I think Im having a nervous breakdown. Someone please help me?