Sleepless Nights

02Oct2010

I know for a fact that everything happens for a reason. Everything needs to be justified. For me at least… Even the slightest problem in the world I always want find a way to justify or convince myself for believing the reasons that “I THINK” is right. Maybe its a way to make me feel better.

I’ve been having sleepless nights – as I speak. It is 5.30 in the morning, I was up since 4… or maybe earlier than that. It’s like I was asleep but I wake up every 5 minutes… or so I think.

I think I know the  reasons why I’ve been having sleepless nights/days – to “justify” and to make myself feel better, I am making a list.

I start with the possible reasons… Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right. I don’t really know.

• I’m a living pillow, My hubby likes sleeping so close to me.. more like squishing me. No complains though I like cuddling – Not when I try to sleep or get comfortable though… it’s hard to move when you’re locked in someone’s arms.
• Our bed is too small for the 2 of us, we need a king size bed. I don’t have space to move and get comfortable.
• My hips gets sore when I sleep on one side more than 10 minutes. So I roll like a washing Machine. I think it’s because I am gaining weight, I am getting heavy and when I’m asleep the pressure is on my side hips. O.o
• My Right shoulder hurts. It hurts when I lift my arms up. It hurts when I sleep on my right side.
• I sleep more than 8 hours.
• I’m stressing about my green card application. It is still processing and I need to wait 4 more months.
• We are broke. we spent most of our money on my green card application :( Why is it so expensive to be with your husband in the US? I think I know why a lot of illegal immigrants are “illegal” because not everyone could afford to get legalized. It costs a fortune to pay for the application and you’re not even sure if you will get approved or you will just have to go back to your country and forced to be parted from your husband/Family.
• I need to work but I can’t till I get my application approved. I’m stressing about our bills.
• I’m thinking about my Family I left back home… OR maybe they are thinking about me?
• I’m worrying about the responsibilities I left back at home.
• I’m gaining weight.
• I don’t exercise.
• I have High cholesterol.
• I’m bored.
• PMS???

My paranoia is kicking in. I could not think of any possibilities why I’m having troubles in sleeping.

• someone Died?
• I’m going to die?
• Something bad happened to my Sister and my nephew?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
• Someone is thinking about me?
• I’m getting cheated on?
• Something bad will happen to me?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application? Oh.. Did I type that already?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?

Okay okay. So most of my worries are about my application.

Please DO NOT judge me. A lot out there probably think that I married my hubby just for the green card. In a way, you’re right… but for the wrong reasons. I need a green card because I want to be able to work and help my hubby pay bills. I want to help, I want to be useful. I HATE BEING A BUM LIKE OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MOOCHES OFF MONEY FROM FAMILY and FRIENDS. Most importantly, I would like to be able to live here and be with him, so we could start a new life, a family and get settled.

We tried to live in Hong Kong, I sponsored for his resident card but he is not comfortable living halfway across the world knowing that his mom has heart problems. Of course he would want to be near mom if anything bad happens.

I left a good paying job and a pretty decent life in Hong Kong just to be with him and I don’t have any regrets on that. I am happy being with him and I don’t want to be away from him anymore. We both waited one year just to be together. We both don’t want to be away from each other anymore, we waited long enough. We deserve to be together and live a normal life. If it weren’t for this immigration formalities, our life would be so so so much better and we could be more focused in saving money and starting a family.

But then, I know in the long run these hardships would make us closer and stronger.

I am so stressed right now. I think Im having a nervous breakdown. Someone please help me?

He’s Back!

And I’m back to writing again. :)

This is my first take on writing a serious post after a few months… wow! I really missed writing! (Plastic –,-) LOL. Ok  I was lazy! It’s either I was busy with my social life or busy with other personal things. I'm busy with both and I’m happy my life is getting pretty much exciting in some way. Let’s just say I am being optimistic and appreciative this year. Life is beautiful… and so am I. :)

I don’t really know where to start so I will write whatever comes in mind. This might be a long post so bare with me, after all, this is my blog so I can write whatever I want. :)

As many of people know, I started blogging about a year ago because of some fucked up guy (and I mean he’s literally fucked up with all his trial and stuff) I met online who literally broke my heart. The whole fucking year it was all about him, to think I haven’t met him in person and yes he was just an average western guy who battles here and there for the custody of his kids. Thinking I could be his savior from this crap going on with him. Yep I’m crazy, I’m aware of that. Anyway, as I was browsing through my past posts  I couldn’t stop laughing at myself! I don’t know how many times I said “what the fuck” and “OMG, I said that!?” while reading. I just realized how crazy I was! Funny how love works eh? O.o

So 1 night I came home and of course do usual things --turn on pc, check emails etc etc… Finally after 8 long months, after ignoring me for how many months, after writing a lot of crazy things about him on my blog, after completely ignoring the cards I've sent and messages to his messenger, after flushing him out of my system, after getting OVER HIM, I received an email from him saying sorry and all that shitty “I would love to be able to talk to you again”. Please. O.o and yeah being a soft heart as I am, I told him to piss off and fuck his own cock. LOL, Of course I’m kidding. and said.. I quote “At this stage, I'd say it would be better to just let go of things, forget about the past and move on. Its all good now. ;)”

I thought I would never get over him… But yeah, I naturally did. I guess I just got tired of waiting. I am communicating with him now not because I want him back… To set the record straight, I am not and will never fall in love with him again. This I am sure of because I know myself. Once is enough. At this stage, I will be a friend because that is what he is to me. He did apologize and that’s what matters most. There is no point of being bitter and ignore him for the rest of my life because that is just NOT ME.

What happened between us had changed my life in so many ways… Or because I was a late bloomer and it was just a coincidence that things didn’t come out the way it’s suppose to be. He had issues, I had issues but despite of it all I never stopped believing things happens for a reason. I’m confident to say my way of thinking had stepped to the next level maturity wise. The thing between us wasn’t really that big deal when you come to think of it but for me it was. I get far too close to him. I was hurt. I was rejected. And I don’t want that to happen again.  So this time, I am cautious and I always make sure I don't get too attached to a person easily, because I know, I would end up hurting myself again.

At the moment, I am enjoying life. Im going out a lot and exploring things as much as I can. I don’t have anyone special but I met a lot of people online and through common friends these past few months. I’m happy and I hope I’d be able to keep this way. So.. Stalkers! You are very welcome! LOL

 

Till my next.

Twilight Showing in HONG KONG December 19th, 2008

At exactly 9.40 tonight the world stopped, my eyes focused on the big screen.

FINALLY. The TWILIGHT movie. Premieres TODAY 19th of Dec. believe it or not, I just got back from watching the movie not even changing to my home clothes, as soon as I get in my room, I plugged my cd player, put on the soundtrack I just bought from Hong Kong Records, turned on my laptop and started writing. I will, once again, update my blog because I would never ever let this pass. This is a must-write-share-my-happiness-to-the-world-thing. Despite my panic attack and a hundred things to get done and settled before I leave for the Philippines, I have to stop and savor this moment and write about this night. This is how I am addicted to twilight, and I'm sure I am not the only one, so to all of you twilight fans out there, this is, well I must say it, "OUR BRAND OF HEROINE".

So.. to start with Robert pattinson's unbelievably, unhuman, beautiful amazing character, all I could say was "oh my god oh my god oh my god" I think I said it a hundred times while at the cinema. He is just the hottest guy ever. Perfect dream boy. Music, Acting, looks, everything a guy would ever wished for, so I'm gonna be like one of those girls, Rob! BITE ME and I'll be yours forever! haha.

The movie was just as I imagined when I read the book. It is just amazing. They have done a really great job and I am hoping to see New moon soon!

Me and My friend made sure this will be a very very special night. Being a twilight addict as we are, we dressed up nicely (Just decent, not over the top) booked a table at my favorite resto Dan Ryan's, ordered food and got ourselves pleasurely stuffed then off to this Luxury cinema (Palace IFC) in IFC mall. 2 Houses in same 9.40 time slots are FULL HOUSE. I didnt expect it would be popular here in Hong Kong knowing how boring chinese people are. But it is! and I think thats great!

PS: By the way.. I mentioned earlier on this post that I will be leaving for the holidays to the Philippines, YES. I am so excited and I can't wait to see my friends and family! and hoping to see some of my blogger friends! Pilipinas, here I come once again ready to rock everyone's world out there! Cheers everyone. Happy Holidays! you could do your xmas shopping and put my name on top of your lists!

PPS: oh oh oh BY THE WAY! I am well.. Happy. No one special YET but I am just happy, I just dont want to make a same mistake and make have assumptions again I have troubles on giving my trust.. Im just being careful. I think I finally got over things and I am enjoying my life at the moment. I just can't express how I feel so I kind of stopped writing. I dont understand why I could write as many as I can when I'm depressed and abandon when Im at my happy moments. I know. UNFAIR. But what the heck. Live life to it's fullest and don't care about people who doesn't want to care about you. Fuck it, the hell with them.

Will be updating more after the holidays promise!

xx

Just me today, as always.

There is nothing special about this movie. I just want to say a short, brief comment.

It was very intimate, had shown women at the early age repressed and looked down upon their husbands, had also shown what a pig a man could be just to get what he wants, and....

it's very........ uh, English. Reminded me of someone. No I wont elaborate on that.

I thought twice about this movie, but I ended up watching it anyway. I guess I was probably giving myself a test whether I could be immune to these kind of movies. I took it very well I must say, the fact that it was English (or British) it didn't bother me at all. I still am fascinated about everything (from history, culture, people, way of living etc. etc.)

I had dinner at Dan Ryan's (My all time favorite restaurant) with my book (New Moon) I stayed there and read a few chapters until the movie started.

I can say, it is more likely to be a nice day off. Just me, myself & I.

I was alone, yes. Being bored as I am at home, and since my friends (even co-workers) are busy with their family because it's actually public holiday today, I decided to watch a movie by myself. I know it's pretty lame but I don't see anything wrong about that, can't a 21 year old woman watch movies of her own? Does it seem pitiful? lol. :) I enjoyed it and I am going to do this a day off-ritual. I have been doing and arranging a lot of rituals lately so that at least I have something to look forward to every time a week starts. I started (sort of it was I assumed) arranged a Monday ritual with my supervisor and general manager to have a special lunch out once a week which means we get to eat in a real restaurant (Not just in cheap food courts) and talk about the latest gossip about what's happening at work (I kind of need to get in the loop somehow), I also have a friend who decided to do every Tuesdays our Movie/dinner night since tickets are really cheap. The rest of the week will be normal and maybe get myself to work my ass off the gym again. Life could be boring but it helps if you sometimes stop wallowing with your emotional feelings and appreciate the good things in life for once in a while. Life is beautiful, and so am I. :D

Off Topic/

I have been monitoring my feedjit (I know Im quite desperate to know who comes and go on my blog) and I have noticed that someone has been visiting my blog everyday and every night. I hope this doesn't scare him/her away as It would be really good to know who he/she is.

It would really make me happy.. I guess :D

To my avid reader from Frisco, Texas if you have balls, (he or she) whatever you are, chime in or at least drop a line. I know you've read almost all of my entries and you know me quite well already... I have a strong feeling that you want to say something... now is your chance. :)

Cheers everyone. Have a good week.

Close in feeling

 

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

FINE. :)

This too, shall pass.

 

 

I'm ready.

 

 

 

Nothing New

I'm going to do a little update about myself and about some stuff I've been dealing for the last couple of days. For those people who sent messages, thanks very much and I'm truly sorry for not replying back. I am not only feeling down lately, but I am very busy at work. I have been working my ass off 12 - 15 hours a day; work keeps piling up on my desk, I have my boss pulling me here and there asking to do this and that, plus I’m training a new staff and soon I will be handing over my job to her. It can be a little bit overwhelming but I am enjoying the new huge responsibilities/tasks given to me. Since I haven’t been able to express my gratitude to my bosses personally I might as well take this opportunity to say THANK YOU for giving their 100% trust on me. I would also like to thank my sister as everything that’s happening to me at work wouldn’t be possible without her help and full support. I love you and I will see you soon :) I am also dealing with some issues with some of my co-workers. I had been hearing a lot of bad mouthing and bitching about me. Probably jealous because of the attention I am getting from my bosses. I don’t really care because I know I am doing my job properly and I am not stepping on anyone’s toes. Yesterday somebody just got fired because of them. I am somehow close to the guy despite him being a whinging pom but still he hasn’t done anything bad to deserve such thing. Oh well fuck them. What goes around comes around. Good luck bitches. I wish you all well.

It’s not very easy to juggle things especially when you are also dealing with searing pain and agony in the heart. I am somewhere in between deep depression and “I-feel-sorry-for-myself-because-I’m-lonely” kind of thing. I am terribly missing him. There you go, I said it. There are times especially when I’m alone all I could do is think of him. Stating the obvious isn’t such a bad thing. Sometimes I need to wallow and let the depression settle in silently and just let it flow until I feel good about myself again. Give it try. It works for me. :)

Last Song Syndrome

Officially Missing You (LIVE) - Tamia

All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop
Oh baby, tell me why’d you have to go
‘Cause this pain I feel it won’t go away
And today I’m officially missin’ you

I thought that from this heartache, I could escape
But I’ve fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today I’m officially missing you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially...

All I do is lay around, 2 years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all, I don’t know you at
all
Well, I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say, baby, safe to say
that I-I’m officially missin’ you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially

Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see there’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way to let go of you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially...
It’s official

3 versus 1

All you have to do is say yes
To not involve in a little mess
So please beware,
These bitches has nothing to bare
everything bad they will say I swear

Taking miniscule details
turning them into huge pile of crap
this is their talent
This is their reason for being
this is what they do in their everyday living

just sit back, relax and get on with the flow
as I too, have my bitchy side to show
nothing we can do with them 2 faced bitches
sick of looking at their ugly faces.

www.roxy08.com - This is now my official site.

Thought I'd make a quick post about my new domain name. Please update my link on your blog roll. :)

Please change from http://foxyroxyloxy.blogspot.com/ to http://www.roxy08.com/
Funny I had time to organize my new domain name hehe :D

I have several posts sitting in my drafts at the moment, but I dont know which one to publish yet. I am still in LAZY / CRAZY MODE. But it's important that my EMO MODE is over. Atleast I get to have fun and forget about him just for a little while. I know this will come back just not sure when. :D

I am still on Plurk, Yahoo messenger and Gtalk. Send me a message if you feel like talking. :D
Yahoo: black_angel080
Gtalk: rox.cmag

Mr. PHAK

Wooot. Ive been busy socializing I totally forgot that I need to do updates! So here it goes:

As Ive mentioned on my recent entries, I had a friend I met on chat who came over to visit me here in Hong Kong, her name is Nicole and she is malaysian-chinese. She is currently staying in Macau for a Summer course until end of July. She came back here last weekend (18th of July) and stayed til 21st. I really had a great time with her last 3 days!!! It feels sooo damn good to have a friend you could talk to and do silly things with. Oh I missed that soo MUCH. Ive been a loner for a long time and I totally forgot how to have fun and be silly again, I never smiled so much since 2 guys broke my fat heart and now, I am in a lighter mood and it feeeeels so good! I am writing this not only for my readers (Naks! may readers pang nalalaman) but for me to have something to look back and read (one of my good memories) in the future. :)

* July 18 Friday Night - The Peak, HK

- Nicole went straight to my place from Macau Ferry (Shuntak Centre) at around 6pm. I was still at work so I asked my Aunt to prepare food for her :) Luckily my aunt cooked Sopas (Filipino Soup with chicken, pasta and Milk) the night before. Surprisingly she ate the Sopas! and she loved it! cooool :) Time was very precious so that night we went to the peak to see the great Hong Kong View (city lights etc etc) with my aunt and cousin. The weather was not so good as it was a bit foggy, but it didnt stop us from taking photos here and there, everywhere :D And finally we got tired of taking photos so we had a snack at Burger King. It didnt end there; we went up the Sky Terrace to see a much better view :) but only we paid $20 each for entrance. Darn. hmp. After all the photo shoots, posing here and there, we took the Peak Tram going down the hill. That was my first time. YEP. First time. haha. Ive been living here for years but I never took that tram. It was nice!<- Check this out! (haha feeling feelinagan na british accennttt damnnnn waaah!)

We went straight to my Uncle's work after peak, (He sings in a bar somewhere in TST, Kowloon) <-Check this link to see him sing, He's my idol. :) So we stayed and waited for him to finish and went home after. That night as we were preparing to sleep, like on skype, we never stopped talking, we talked for like hours and hours until both of us fell asleep, until both of us were snoring our asses off. haha. The first night ends there and I felt tired but I was really happy. :)

* July 19 Saturday - Mang Ambo / Big Buddha in Lantau

- Since I discovered Nicole wasn't picky on foods, I decided to bring her to Mang Ambo's turo turo carinderia in world wide house, We had Egg Pie (from Goldilocks) and the well known Halo-Halo. (Mix Mix :D , A cold filipino dessert) and I am so glad she liked it ;) no no She loved it! She said its waaay better than what they have in Malaysia :) wooow. Im so proud. haha. Busy eating our Halo-Halo, little did we know time is running so fast and it's almost 4pm! It will take 1.5 hours to get to the Big Buddha! So off we go to Tung chung via MTR - 45 mins journey from Central. Then took the bus from Tung Chung to Ngong Ping. Eventhough we have this new cable car ride straight to Ngong Ping village, Nikki very much preferred to take the bus instead of taking the cable car (which really annoyed me!) I hate long journeys hehe..and besides, the cable car is so convenient plus we could see the views but NO we took the old fashioned way! LOL I think she heard the news before about the new Ngong Ping 360 cable car being stuck for an hour in mid-air. Oh well HAHA I cant blame her and what can I do, she's the visitor :D nothing to do but agree. :D At long last after the oh so long journey to Lantau Island we managed to arrive at around 5pm (Buddha closes at 6 haha.) It was foggy as ever as we were up the Hong Kong Mountains the view was super FANTASTIC, not only the view but the serene ambience gave me a light feeling I never had before. :) It was great. We met my cousin in Causeway Bay afterwards, we had dinner in Korean Barbeque Restaurant. Oh Gosh. Buffet again, indulge ourselves after a 1 hour walk to the buddha LOL. Fooood Again :D We slept early that night as both of us are excited on the big day! Disney day! weee!

* July 20 Sunday - Hong Kong Disneyland - The day I met Mr. Pak

The big day has finally come!! Ok I admit I was really excited! I haven't been to HK disneyland ever. I said to myself before, I would never go there unless I like the person I'm going with and unless I get free passes. So I did get free passes and of course I like the person I'm going with. The reason is because I want my first time to be fun and memorable! Speaking of which, theres a little story while at disney - I met "MR. PAK" who is he?! A stupid fucking moron who just happened to curse me infront of his goddamn kids and infront of hundreds of family. so the story starts; we queued in the line for this cup ride. (you know the cup that goes round and round cant remember what its called LOL) anyway, there was this chinese family infront of us, The usual mum, dad, 2kids. Nicole suddenly went pass through them because she saw the other mainlanders cutting the line. So the "mum" wasn't very happy about what nicole did so they closed the line (Nagvolt-in ba, hawak kamay churvanes damn.) I got annoyed cause it was really packed and we were all squeezed at the back like sardines in a can, so I approached the "mum"in a nice way and said,

Roxy: Excuse me, could you please move forward a little bit... and she started nagging saying The MUM: "Dong cat da line! see, you fren cut it!" (Dont cut the line, see your friend cut it)
Roxy: Fine! Roxy shouting: (Nikki come back here! come back to the line and let these people go first!!!)
The MUM: "you want to cut the line that's why we close da line!" ...and the rest was blah blah blidy blah blah "She just didn't stop nagging"
Roxy: Ok. Stop it! I just want you to move a little forward cause we are so squeezed in here! so just move and stop talking!!
The DAD: it is ok to move a little bit forward..... (I think he said that 3 times in a calm way)
... The "MUM" still went blah blah blah blah blah after several seconds..

Roxy: What the hell is your problem!?!! it's just a fucking line!

So I kind of lost control and blurted out something I wasn't suppose to. :D I admit I was wrong but it just happened and I just got carried away. Truly sorry for saying the F word. :D

As soon as the sentence ended, I heard a loud "PHAK U!" (F**k You) and "Dong mek meh mat" (Don't make me mad) -That was the Huge 6ft hulk-look-alike dad.

...I was stunned. I felt scared. I just looked at him thinking what to do. All the kids and parents was looking at him, I said to myself shit I can't curse him back! I was scared that I might get kicked out from Disneyland! Plus the kids. I don't want to set a bad example! no no no. I just stared at him. NOTHING. I didn't do anything. I wanted to say a lot of nasty things but I just cant. Nikki can't control herself she was laughing her ass off at my back. I am so gonna kill her! imagine I got into a fight because of her!

...This is not going to ruin my day.. this is not going to ruin my day.. stuck in my mind for the rest of my disney day. haaaay.. my oh so memorable disney day. I have nothing to say. LOL

So there you go. My Day with Mr. PAK other than that I still managed to enjoy myself for the rest of the day. :) Ive totally forgotten all about it after I watched the fireworks, it was just absolutely brilliant. :D

That's about it I guess. haha Nicole left HK the day after, we hugged and said our goodbyes before she left..

Nicole, Thanks for everything too. I am so glad we met, I am looking forward to visiting you in malaysia SOON.

Pahabols: HOY hindi ako lesbian noh. nililiwanag ko lang. uyy defensive. :D Phak U! hehe

Quick post

First I would like to say, I missed writing in my blog sooooo damn much. =P

Thought I'd make a quick post for my pending invites, exlinks, readers (Naks!) and friends. I have been very busy over the weekends so I havent had the chance to update my blog.

I will also be busy this month as I am about to train the new staff for the office and we are starting our summer sale. I apologize in advance if I won't be able to update as much but I will try.

PS: Eyebags, I am still working on the voting thing. I am carefully observing the 4 blogs... at the moment, so far so good :) So I will let you know if Ive made my decision and will post my vote according to the instructions given in a few days.. Thanks! :)

Behind Blue Eyes

I used to like this song, probably because he likes it too. But now it's just so depressing and it's tearing my heart apart whenever I hear it. Weird cause I could easily delete it from my play list, but why cant I? I guess it's ok to miss him sometimes, just a little bit...

The thought of him is like a little bug seeping into my mind.

Haay. What to do. What to do. tsk.

Behind Blue Eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man Behind blue eyes

And no one knows What it's like
to be hated To be fated
to telling only lies

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free


No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

[Chorus]

Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4]
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

Visitor

I haven't had any chance to make an entry for the last 3 days as I was busy on some other things (Work) and also.. Blog Hopping :) It's so much fun especially when there are a lot of fascinating things to see/read in a blog! Now it is what I am looking forward to everytime I open my internet browser which is good as this is keepin my mind off things :P My last post was totally not me at all >.< Just kiddin :P. Oh well. It's a now or never thing. NO REGRETS. :)

So anyway, I am so excited because I am finally meeting Nicole! (Nicole - is a friend I met through skype and weve been talking nearly 3 months - she is such a doll!, luv her to bits :*)

At the moment, I feel excited at the same time nervous cause this is my first time to meet someone I just knew online. There are so many things Im worrying about like, is she going to like me? will she be a snob? are we going to have fun? Will I be able to entertain her? a lot more but Im just too lazy to type :p hehe I can't help but to worry. I guess this is normal. All first times makes me nervous and I must say, this is a big deal! So, I hope everything goes well!

I made reservations and we will have dinner buffet in a hotel somewhere in Wanchai tonight wooooohooO! hehe (We both like to eat. so don't laugh, walang diet muna! shet. hehe) then a few drinks. That should be ok I guess :D She will stay at my place, another thing to worry about!!! I live in a shoebox! how the hell can we all fit in our place!?!? My aunt and my cousin are also visiting us from the philippines, plus my Sister and Uncle so we are now 6 including nikki and me. hahaha DARN. I hope its ok. lol we'll see how it goes, I'll post some of our pics when I get the chance!

Chat history

This post has been sitting in my drafts for the last few days and now I think it's about time to publish it. This is one of the main reasons why I started blogging and I hope this is the answer to everyones question - What the hell is she talking about!?

Is it good or bad to delete chat histories? I am obviously not over with this guy I met on the net. But I managed to delete all chat histories. YES, I did it. I know I am not making any sense. I came home early one night from work and logged on to my messenger and noticed there are a lot of contacts that I don't know and don't talk to anymore so I removed them from my contacts list. I saw his name out of the blue and started to think about him again... Sorry but I can't help it.

I browsed through our chat history and read a couple of our conversations a few months ago. I wish I could just bring back time and kept it simple as that way. It was good casual conversations, exchanging good music and we talk about mostly our daily lives, pasts and whatever comes in mind, we talk randomly like what normal people does online - No strings attached, Past time. What differs him from other people I talk to online is that he always makes sense and he listens and pay attention to every bits and pieces and miniscule details I say. I admit there are times that I just talk shit and totally not making any sense at all.


I started chatting online since I was 11 and I never got into deeper conversations like with him EVER. For the first time, I was honest with somebody over the net. He claims he's good in reading minds and with that he never fails to amaze me. He taught me how to loosen up a bit and not to worry about what people say about me. I never thought it's possible for someone to know someone so well even if you haven't met each other in person yet as if soulmates (!), and never had I imagined I would get emotionally attached and fall for someone Ive just talk to on the net in a short span of time.

Was I mislead? NOPE. He had never mislead me. I made wrong assumptions and I am the only one to blame. He was just helping me and he was trying to tell me but I was again in a selective hearing mode desperate to believe in one thing that I know is impossible to happen - LOVE.

Was it love? or... Lust? How can it be love or lust? Love is to get involved mentally, emotionally & physically, and lust is to get involved sexually, but neither of it happened? So how the hell could I answer that? although I have one thing in mind, his life has been in a chaotic situation and there's a little spot in my mind that's telling me to help him and make him happy. So... what is that?

Is he worthy of my help? - I am not sure. I didnt consider myself helpful. Instead I just made things worst for him. He is such an amazing person, very smart and knows his rights. He does complain a lot but he made me realize complaining is not bad after all. It is to prove that everything should be equal and not just let people get away with it. I admire him for his love and dedication to his kids despite the fact that he's going through some difficulties. And I am impressed on how he handle this type of situation. I mean seriously, how could someone handle a situation same as his? Honestly, his life is not what you want to exchange yours with but I find it interesting and it made me think that if there was a slight possibility that I could be a part of it, I would go for it. But I know my limitations and I have no right to expect to be part of his life. Him being a friend to me should have been enough... I just want to make it clear that he has (undisclosed to avoid some things) kids but he is now single. I'm just telling because I don't want people to think that I am a home wrecker or whatever term you can call that. I myself went through that phase. (yep, my parents split up when I was 6 then the story goes on and on..blah blah) I definitely don't have any plans to be a mistress. LOL :P


And then all of these are just one side - My side. I never knew his side cause I chose not to listen, probably afraid to hear the truth. I am not expecting everyone to be happy about my silly acts but I am normal and this is what normal people does. (I think) I admit sometimes I dont think before I act then regret it later on. It's not good but I am trying my best to change. Would you believe I actually told him that I am willing to wait even if it takes forever? I am not joking. This is probably one of the reasons that driven him further away and I lose the friend I need. He was just obviously giving out a helping hand, but I wanted more, more than he was willing to give. And now that he can't provide the help I needed, it stressed him out even more, which I have no intentions to but everything just happened so fast. I crossed a line and took advantage of his good nature.

What do/will I gain on publishing this post? Peace. Explanation. Acceptance of rejection.

...Most importantly CLOSURE. We will see.

Hop till you drop

Okay, I must admit now I am so addicted to blog hopping. Thanks to eyebags. :P

I should be sleeping by now, it's nearly 2am (HK Time) and I still have work tomorrow. Im suppose to post about the movie Ive just seen earlier. I just got lazy and my eyes are sooooo tired. Ive just been blog hopping the whole night and I never imagined I'd see lots of interesting blogs!

Anyway, Ive just joined Plurk! it seems cool but I haven't had a good look yet. I will. probably uh, tomorrow, gawd I need to do so many things but Im just stuck with blog hopping!

So.... Hop till you drop! sounds nice hehe

Til my next.

Twitter & My LSS

I just joined twitter and I have no idea how this thing works. I could only think of one person who could tell me how this works and explain it to me very well. But then, why would I ask, I could just simply read. But I don't like reading, I like everything to be explained to me and I must say, that's what he's good at. Here we go again.... grrrr.

What to do? lol. Can't help it!

Anyway...
I'd just stick to MyBlogLog first and focus on there.

Meanwhile, its LSS time! This song was so popular in the philippines I think about 2-3 years ago. The lyrics just came to my mind while I was in the shower and kaboom my LSS. Ive been humming this song for nearly 3 hours now. It's really nice.

I'l definitely add this song to my Ipod again, this song makes me feel good. :)

Rainbow - Southborder (Filipino Band/Artists)

Fallin' out, fallin' in
Nothing's sure in this world no, no
Breakin' out, breakin' in
Never knowin' what lies ahead
We can really never tell it all no, no, no
Say goodbye, say hello
To a lover or friend
Sometimes we never could understand
Why some things begin then just end
We can really never tell it all no, no, no

But oh, can't you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
So baby, just/please smile
Coz im always around you
And ill make you see how beautiful
Life is for you and me

Take a little time baby
See the butterflies color's
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be
Even if there is pain now
Everything would be all right
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me
There's a rainbow always after the rain

Ohh, whoa

Hittin' high, hittin' low
Win or lose you should go, yeah yeah
Getting warm, getting cold
Weather could be so good or bad
But baby this is life now don't get mad no, no, no

Coz oh, cant you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
So baby, please smile
Coz im always around you
And ill make you see how beautiful
Life is for you and me

Take a little time baby
See the butterflies' colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be
Even if there is pain now
Everything would be all right
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me
There's a rainbow always after the rain

Life's full of challenges
Not all the time we get what we want
But don't despair my dear coz I know now
You'll take each trial and you'll make it through the storm
Coz you're strong my faith in you is clear
So ill say once again this worlds wonderful and
Let us celebrate life that's so beautiful, so beautiful
Ohhhh

Take a little time baby
See the butterflies' colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me
This is such a wonderful place to be
Even if there is pain now
Everything would be all right
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me
There's a rainbow always after the rain

Focus on other things

Guess what? I have written 4 posts already and none of them are published, all saved to drafts.

It's all about him again so I think its not worth publishing it, Im just getting sick of everything about him. hehe sorry.

So I decided to write something that I think is worth publishing. As some may know, I am chubby and I am conscious when it comes to my weight, I sometimes tend to lose my confidence, probably one of the reasons why I don't go out lately and stopped socializing, upon my observations, 80% of the people that lives here in HK are overwhelmingly thin and health conscious. Ive done different kinds of crazy diets and none of them works and everytime I fail I lose more confidence and get depressed. And when Im depressed I do something to make myself feel good. EAT. I can say I am patient, but when it comes to these things, I lose patience and give up easily. I am nearly 5ft. 10", Yes, I am tall for a normal filipina, I consider myself one eventhough I have a bit of spanish and chinese blood running through my veins, anyhow, speaking of height, I get stressed even more when my family and friends say not put my height to waste and have a healthy diet, so I did and I started 3 months ago (should've started ages ago!) and the results are not so bad after all, Im not trying to be a pro on health talks but I just want to share some tips of what Ive been focusing on lately - My healthy diet. It's very simple, If I can do it, so can you. (Blimey, are my marketing skills convincing enough? LOL)

So here it goes:

1.) Fruits, Fruits, Fruits, Fill up on the fruits! - I am a massive snacker, I always eat loads of rubbish in between meals which is undoubtly bad for an office girl like me sitting all day infront of the pc, all those saturated fats from crisps and other junks are all going straight to my belly. Eww! I realized all that when I watched a tv show from BBC lifestyle. Fruit helps with sugar cravings! so when I crave for ice cream or other sweets I snack on prunes, Fat free Good carbs biscuits or keep an apple in my bag. Having snacks are not always bad for your diet, you just need to eat good snacks :)

2.) Ditch the alcohol! - I always enjoy drinking alcohol as I never get drunk! I have no idea why? I get hang over the morning after but I never get drunk, they said my body is immuned on high percentage of alcohol, but on thing Im sure of is its never immuned on high percentage of calories! here is the full explanation on how we can gain weight in drinking alcohol - http://www.second-opinions.co.uk/alcohol.html ALCOHOL -A BIG NO NO >.< when Im out with my friends for some drinks and I dont want them to put pressure on me having an alcoholic drink, I have one that looks similar, hehe Just a tonic water and lemon on the rocks! Looks like gin tonic and tastes a bit like one too, it's a little secret between me and the waiter/bartender :P

3.) Eat more veggies :) - Like fruits, veggies are great to fill myself up so that I'm not tempted to snack on rubbish! but not all veggies are good unfortunately, potatoes, parsnips, peas, sweet corn, and baked beans are BIG NO NO's because they are full of suggies (Sugar) that will turn into fat :)

4.) Water therapy glug glug glug - I always try my best to drink 2 liters of water a day. It flushes out my system and trust me, I feel so much better for it! it sounds like alot, I wont drink 2 liters in one go! ofcourse I divide it into glasses and throughout the day I had 2 liters before I know it.

5.) Seriously, CUT the carbs! - Spaghetti bolognese, Lasagna, White rice, Sandwiches, oh golly, Im drooling over the thought of these foods. I avoid carbs especially after 6pm, it bloats me out and hell I can't work them off. So in the evening, I try to stick to veggies with chicken or fish, or if I'm too lazy to cook, I have myself a bowl of cereals and fat free milk :)

6.) Im not strict ;p - Are you a chocolate lover? Im not, but have you heard of cheese lover? I looooove cheese! all kinds of cheese! blue cheese, cheddar, mozzarella, Brie, goats cheese name it I will eat it! as long as it's cheese hehe :P I allow myself treats every now and again. And I always stick this in my mind, a diet's not supposed to be torture after all! If I fancy ice cream, cheese or a piece of chocolate, I'll have it! it's always ok to ocasionally have something you're craving - that way, I won't feel tempted to go off the rails and binge.

7.) Most important thing to do is.... Exercise :) - Everyone knows that, even a 7 yr old kid knows that! As long as I move and sweat I consider it as an exercise! I'd dabbled with exercise and done bits and pieces of running, playing badminton, walkatons, but I'd never stuck to anything as I get lazy. I joined the gym :) and found myself new friends! Mr. Cross trainer, Mr. Treadmill, and Mr Cycling (I assume guys, lol much fun and to put more determination :P ). As an office girl, I don't have much time to do exercise on day time so I go to the gym on night time and work out 3-4 times a week to get the full benefit, I do still get lazy sometimes so I just go to sauna or steam room for relaxing and to melt a bit of fats away! If you're too embarrased to being all red-faced and sweaty in the gym, I suggest you buy a training dvd and do your exercise in your living room :) Exercise is always good you will enjoy it eventually.

So this is it. My revelation of my not-so-complicated healthy diet I hope this post didnt bore you, but it's worth reading! this goes out to guys as well. For three months, I loss weight and gained confidence and that is all that matters to me. I hope this helps and encourage people like me who lacks confidence in physical appearance. Good luck to me! Happy Dieting! :)

Never ever?

Shockingly today I was so preoccupied with my work and updating things, Ive totally forgotten about him, (Gawd did he cast a spell on me?!) It's a good thing he's far, can't imagine how he'd hurt me if he's just nearby.. acck >.<

I think I am slowly going back to normal again, which I think is good!If Im completely back to the normal me again, I swear I would never ever do this same mistake. I would never ever ever ever tell someone what I really feel unless someone tells me first, I would never ever degrade myself again just to make someone happy, enough worrying about other people, it's time to make myself happy now and I mean it! ....I'm not mad :) Im just saying what I think should be said. I thought it would take me a long time to get over things, but honestly, it has just been 1 week and half and things are going differently upon expectations... I can't say Im totally over, it's just taking some time for me to slowly accept the facts. Oh gawd I can't believe Im saying this, I mean, he doesn't deserve this! it's unfair! ;P

Oh well, I guess for now I have to believe the saying "what goes around comes back around" and I always believe in "karma" not bad karma, but good karma :)

This I will promise myself, if somebody gets really hooked on me, I would never take advantage, and I will let him know right away if I like him or we're better off as friends. I will never ever make him a fool for letting him wait for nothing.

Wish me luck :)

Blog Community - MyBlogLog

I have just joined a blog community... :) I think it's about time to get some readers! LOL at first, I didn't really want anyone to read my blog but I was thinking, why not? If I would want to keep it private why didn't I just write it on a diary?! I must say, this is a very good outlet... and it's therapeutic... :) it helps me get my mind off things and its exciting to know that someone is actually reading your silly rants :P

Today someone sent me a message and I'm like, "Ohmigosh! somebody just sent me a message thru MyBlogLog! woohoo!" LOL that is just so silly but it felt good! I know I'm still a rookie when it comes to blogging, so you may find my posts a bit boring but I will try to improve. :)

Ive also updated myYearBook ( http://www.myyearbook.com/ ) account and it's so cool it's similar to facebook but I don't know why I don't like updating facebook I find it complicated! So this is what's keepin me busy these days and Im enjoying it! I can't believe I abandoned the internet for a week there are just so many exiting things I can do to entertain myself, not just chat with somebody then fall inlove and be crushed! ewww thats just pathetic don't you think?

A proof of desperation. Yuck. LOL.

Till my next post :)

What the fuck have you done lately?

- NOTHING. Im fucked up lately, and it SUCKS!

My memory is still fresh so I really need to post this. I am not mad and definitely not trying to offend anybody by swearing, LOL my title was the last words Wesley gibson (James McAvoy) said after assasinating Sloan (Morgan Freeman) so.. I was just answering the question :)

- THIS IS A MUST SEE MOVIE.

Anyway... I just came back home from watching this absolutely amazing movie! Oh my fucking gosh. (Sorry I can't help it) :D I realized I haven't watched a movie in the cinema for ages! last movie was Harry potter and the order of the phoenix and that was like what, a year ago?!! Gawd, I really enjoyed tonight, I totally forgot how to have fun. Watching this movie tonight is kind of a big thing for me :) I was hyper the whole time we were at the cinema (I still think I am and it's nearly 4 in the morning!) Ive got photos to prove it! haha (I still need to transfer photos from my camera to my pc, so I'll post it some other time :P)

So yeah, This movie hit my damaged brain in some way and I dont have a slightest idea how and why? Im pretty sure this is not a coincidence, this is a sign! Im meant to watch this movie to realize things! btw, I did. When they showed the trailer of this movie on tv, I said to myself out of no where "I am going to watch this" funny cause Ive totally forgotten about this movie when my sister sent me a text message asking if I wanted to come and see the movie with them. Ofcourse I said yes, I mean DOH. *Do something different for once in a while! So I did watch the movie with them and should I say this the second time, I really enjoyed it! If I was just pretending to be happy, I could say, WOW I'm good. One thing Im not good at is pretending that I'm not thinking about him, honestly, I'd make a complete idiot out of myself if I said "Oh, Ive totally forgotten about him" or.. "oh! just one click and he's out of my mind" or.. "nah, Im not thinking about him!" That is just fuck shit. Ofcourse Ive been thinking about him and that is normal! I will think about him as long as I want and I will stop if I want to. From now on, I will do anything I want and not let this stupid feelings affect or completely stop me from doing my usual things.

At first, I thought, I was waiting for him... but I wasn't really waiting for him... I was just in desperate need of attention.. I was waiting for him to end this and not just run away or ignore me. I feel like he left me hanging for a while there, If I didn't make the fookin move, If I kept my own beliefs, I would probably still be hoping and waiting for nothing. He knew I have made assumptions, If he just told me right away "Stop, dont do this, get over it move on and find somebody who you could be obsessed with" then I wouldnt upset myself too much would I?!? So now, Ive finally found the closure. Im not going to tell how and why. For now, I am not saying goodbye yet, Im not letting go yet, I wont give up yet, I will still be here, but when the time finally comes. Oh well, sorry to say, it's not my loss, it's YOURS.

So the next question is... What the fuck will you do next!?

- Haveeeeeee Fun!!!! :)

I am looking forward to for the next couple of days...

- Nicoles weekend visits (she's in Macau at the mo)

- Disneyland! :)

- Kung fu Panda!

- Akon concert :) (not yet sure)

- Clubbing!

- karaoke!

...and I hope more to come! :)

- R

Sophie

... You're my angel ...

... You bring out the child in me...

... Never fail to make me smile...

... You make my life easy and worry free...

... You're my little sophie ...