Then they went Blah.

And I'm writing.. yet again, another everyday-nonsense-ramblings.

Some guys are born to be good in fooling around with women. :) Hi guys love you all. :D

I always wonder how to know when a guy really means the things he says. I’m not afraid to admit I have never had a serious relationship in my 22 years of existence and with that I never knew how to trust a guy nor to love one... I trusted a guy once and see what happened.I’m not closing my doors but one thing I learned from the whole process of love-hurt internet relationship is you could never trust guys with pure intentions. Whatever they say or do, It has always something to do with SEX.  

Dogs. Assholes. Pigs. *Wide Grin* Anyway, it’s TRUE. Even guys themselves admits they are perverts, horny and can never last a day without thinking about sex. So why worry? *Grin*

I just wanted to vent. I'm really sick of the guys who I talk to online and just plainly talks shit.  Make you believe you both have this “special connection” or lure you to things he says like “Oh I will never leave you like the way he did” “I will be your friend no matter what” and soon after that sentence “but could you go topless on cam for me?” Oh yeah boy, how bout a round of applause, standing ovation..lalalala.

And then when you turn them down, that's where they start to ignore you, go invisible, turn cold you know shit like that. It’s funny how guys can get. Funny they would say or do just to get what they want.

I just wanted to meet friends not have some kind of a cyber-sex-relationship! This is absolutely outrageous!

I always liked meeting different kinds of people from all over the world. With internet, blogs, and social networking sites makes it possible for me. But now I’m thinking I’ve become  dependent on it that I totally forgot we still have a so called “real world” out there, where you could touch, feel, and see how people are.

… or am I just taking this too serious?

But if its hurting me and making me feel disrespected should I not let go of it?

I thought maybe there is someone out there who’s different. But I guess I’m wrong.. They’re all the SAME.

…I don’t want to be a man-hater.. But at this point I think I am. So much for internet love eh?

He’s Back!

And I’m back to writing again. :)

This is my first take on writing a serious post after a few months… wow! I really missed writing! (Plastic –,-) LOL. Ok  I was lazy! It’s either I was busy with my social life or busy with other personal things. I'm busy with both and I’m happy my life is getting pretty much exciting in some way. Let’s just say I am being optimistic and appreciative this year. Life is beautiful… and so am I. :)

I don’t really know where to start so I will write whatever comes in mind. This might be a long post so bare with me, after all, this is my blog so I can write whatever I want. :)

As many of people know, I started blogging about a year ago because of some fucked up guy (and I mean he’s literally fucked up with all his trial and stuff) I met online who literally broke my heart. The whole fucking year it was all about him, to think I haven’t met him in person and yes he was just an average western guy who battles here and there for the custody of his kids. Thinking I could be his savior from this crap going on with him. Yep I’m crazy, I’m aware of that. Anyway, as I was browsing through my past posts  I couldn’t stop laughing at myself! I don’t know how many times I said “what the fuck” and “OMG, I said that!?” while reading. I just realized how crazy I was! Funny how love works eh? O.o

So 1 night I came home and of course do usual things --turn on pc, check emails etc etc… Finally after 8 long months, after ignoring me for how many months, after writing a lot of crazy things about him on my blog, after completely ignoring the cards I've sent and messages to his messenger, after flushing him out of my system, after getting OVER HIM, I received an email from him saying sorry and all that shitty “I would love to be able to talk to you again”. Please. O.o and yeah being a soft heart as I am, I told him to piss off and fuck his own cock. LOL, Of course I’m kidding. and said.. I quote “At this stage, I'd say it would be better to just let go of things, forget about the past and move on. Its all good now. ;)”

I thought I would never get over him… But yeah, I naturally did. I guess I just got tired of waiting. I am communicating with him now not because I want him back… To set the record straight, I am not and will never fall in love with him again. This I am sure of because I know myself. Once is enough. At this stage, I will be a friend because that is what he is to me. He did apologize and that’s what matters most. There is no point of being bitter and ignore him for the rest of my life because that is just NOT ME.

What happened between us had changed my life in so many ways… Or because I was a late bloomer and it was just a coincidence that things didn’t come out the way it’s suppose to be. He had issues, I had issues but despite of it all I never stopped believing things happens for a reason. I’m confident to say my way of thinking had stepped to the next level maturity wise. The thing between us wasn’t really that big deal when you come to think of it but for me it was. I get far too close to him. I was hurt. I was rejected. And I don’t want that to happen again.  So this time, I am cautious and I always make sure I don't get too attached to a person easily, because I know, I would end up hurting myself again.

At the moment, I am enjoying life. Im going out a lot and exploring things as much as I can. I don’t have anyone special but I met a lot of people online and through common friends these past few months. I’m happy and I hope I’d be able to keep this way. So.. Stalkers! You are very welcome! LOL

 

Till my next.

I'm fucked up badly.

Sitting here, mind wandering, staring blank,
I'm at awe to be completely frank.
Heart pounding, hands shaking,
this is how it is affecting,

My heart became weak, my mind is not functioning.
My mind says move on,
I tried to believe you moved on, that you are long gone,
My heart says carry on,
found myself hoping, still holding on.

It's best to think this way,
God gave me this role to play,
You are my friend, a friend I wouldn't dare leave,
Cause, I have a goal, I'd like to achieve,
to make you happy, to make you feel better,
to support you, to fight for you,
to be your umbrella, through a stormy weather.
to wait for you, even if it takes forever.

If this is a goodbye,
if it is what you're trying to imply,
it's hard to accept, not to worry, promise, I won't cry.
Bothered, I'd like to ask, "why?"
A friendship you want to end, just left me to sigh,
Though I will still be here, waiting for that Hi,
even Days, Months, or Years will pass by.
Yes, I'm crazy, Sadly, this is reality. This is me.

This is what's keepin me fucked up lately. This is why I have been quiet. I'll be back soon.

Close in feeling

 

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

FINE. :)

This too, shall pass.

 

 

I'm ready.

 

 

 

Oh yeah, its about you again, what's new?

I admit I have been very neglectful on my blogging duties. Something is stopping me from updating my blog I've so much to tell but every time I attempt to make an entry, I can't help but think of him. (I know, here I go again). So I chose to stop writing for a while. Maybe this is the reason why I haven't really gotten over him. It's because every time I write, everything I do, its always about him. No matter how hard I try to get rid of these thoughts about him, nothing happens. I know I am getting very boring on this never ending subject, but I would still write about it as this is what's in my heart. This is my blog, so I don't care if people won't like what I write.

Just to make things clear, I'm not busy, I just need some time and rest on this whole blogging thing. Maybe if I stop for a while, I would be able to get over him and move on completely with my life. Besides, he's the reason why I started blogging, so I think this would be a nice Idea and thought I'd give it a try. I don't want to write and pretend I'm ok and moving on. Because I'm obviously not. I still think about him, I dream about him, I imagine things about him (not sexual silly you), I miss him, I want him, I need him, ok I seem a little bit desperate and exaggerated but yeah it's a bit true. I am still waiting for him, I still get jealous of the fact that he's still inlove with his ex, I get jealous whenever I think about the internet love affair he had with that other filipina (that was before me, I think I was the reason why he stopped talkin to her or he just got scared cause she wanted him to marry her for a visa or sumfin) She's been bitching alot about me, how I was being a slut and all that) ok that's another story, I still think I would still meet him when I go and visit his country, I still think... I still think... I still think... I still think. He is still making me crazy up to this moment. I'm crazy about him and I don't fucking know why. I am so fucking mad at him for doing this to me. I am so fucking pissed on everything that has happened between us, all the conversations we had I admit it has been really good but I so fucking hate when I remember it. And the looks he had given me, you! yeah you! don't fucking tell me that wasn't something. I know it's something when you were looking at me that way. I am so sure there was something inside those pretty green/blue (?) eyes and Im not sure whether you felt something for me or you just felt something arising from down there because I turn you on (yeah it took me so long to believe that I actually turn you on) UGH. MEN.

...I miss you, you fuckin moron.

/off-topic

I'm crazy about this new telenovela from ABS CBN "Kahit isang saglit" Starring Our very own super hot Jericho Rosales and Malaysian Actress Carmen Soo. I know this is corny, pero wala na akong magagawa bumabalik nanaman ang pagka-adik ko sa mga primetime bida! Apir tayo jan mga kapamilya! :) Kakapanood ko lang ng first episode kanina talaga namang napaka-ganda, lalo na ang mga views sa malaysia. Infairness magaling yun batang Garie ha. and OH-EM-GEE Jericho Rosales is sooo HOT and good looking rawr. They both look good! I have nothing more to say but please watch this teleserye! :) For those who has no TFC subscription, you can still watch it on some websites who has ABS-CBN live streaming.

Good night and till my next. uh, update.

Nothing New

I'm going to do a little update about myself and about some stuff I've been dealing for the last couple of days. For those people who sent messages, thanks very much and I'm truly sorry for not replying back. I am not only feeling down lately, but I am very busy at work. I have been working my ass off 12 - 15 hours a day; work keeps piling up on my desk, I have my boss pulling me here and there asking to do this and that, plus I’m training a new staff and soon I will be handing over my job to her. It can be a little bit overwhelming but I am enjoying the new huge responsibilities/tasks given to me. Since I haven’t been able to express my gratitude to my bosses personally I might as well take this opportunity to say THANK YOU for giving their 100% trust on me. I would also like to thank my sister as everything that’s happening to me at work wouldn’t be possible without her help and full support. I love you and I will see you soon :) I am also dealing with some issues with some of my co-workers. I had been hearing a lot of bad mouthing and bitching about me. Probably jealous because of the attention I am getting from my bosses. I don’t really care because I know I am doing my job properly and I am not stepping on anyone’s toes. Yesterday somebody just got fired because of them. I am somehow close to the guy despite him being a whinging pom but still he hasn’t done anything bad to deserve such thing. Oh well fuck them. What goes around comes around. Good luck bitches. I wish you all well.

It’s not very easy to juggle things especially when you are also dealing with searing pain and agony in the heart. I am somewhere in between deep depression and “I-feel-sorry-for-myself-because-I’m-lonely” kind of thing. I am terribly missing him. There you go, I said it. There are times especially when I’m alone all I could do is think of him. Stating the obvious isn’t such a bad thing. Sometimes I need to wallow and let the depression settle in silently and just let it flow until I feel good about myself again. Give it try. It works for me. :)

Last Song Syndrome

Officially Missing You (LIVE) - Tamia

All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop
Oh baby, tell me why’d you have to go
‘Cause this pain I feel it won’t go away
And today I’m officially missin’ you

I thought that from this heartache, I could escape
But I’ve fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today I’m officially missing you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially...

All I do is lay around, 2 years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all, I don’t know you at
all
Well, I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say, baby, safe to say
that I-I’m officially missin’ you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially

Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see there’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way to let go of you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially...
It’s official

Bits and pieces

I could say I am not really good in remembering things. I AM forgetful lucy. I can't understand why I forget important things and remember things that shouldn't be remembered?

It's raining today. Typhoon 8 actually. It seems to be getting along with my darn emotions. I received a very good news yesterday at work, and it should be a happy day for me but it became the opposite. I dont think I deserve to be happy with the good news. I feel guilty.

I am dealing with some personal issues at the moment, too personal that I couldn't make an entry out of it. see its not all about him you know, I have other issues too. :D But whatever it is, it's affecting me big time and overpowering my happy emotions. Other than dealing with this personal issues, I am also missing him. It's all coming back and I don't know how to avoid it this time. Another emo mode day for me and it sucks because I get to stay at home which means I will be torturing myself for the rest of the day by reminiscing the conversations I had with him.

This day I wish the typhoon stops so I could go to work.

I tried watching ANGEL last night rather updating my blog, I just don't feel like doing any updates cause I would end up writing about him again like NOW. I woke up this morning hoping I would feel better but it didnt make any difference. I turned on the tv to check the weather forecast and found myself flipping through the channels and ended up on BBC channel which reminds me of him again, then started thinking about my conversations with him. Hearing these people talk on TV just makes me miss him so damn much. I remember when he was playing with his accent, it was really cute. I also remember his expressions that amuses me. It was just absolutely cute. *Sigh* I remember the way he talks gently just so I could understand him properly. I remember everything. WHY?

I guess Im just trying to remember these things so that I get my mind off my other issues. I am not expecting everyone to understand as these are just bits and pieces. its just being me. Just a bit of me.

A song I think would fit my mood.

Reversed - Re-post

This post contains obscene and explicit language. Children are not allowed to read. :D

This is now the most ugliest artwork I've ever laid eyes on. Piece of crap.

I made a poem for him last month. He said it's very good. YEAH RIGHT. You bloody fool.

Anything For you - Poem <-- Click here to see original post.

Anything For you - But that was Bepore! >.< (before) hehe

Time to give you this smile
A smile that is not worthwhile
The times I've been so into you,
Will do anything just to forget you,

Endless days, Sleepless nights
What I'd do to kick you right
Again, I will do this fight
Whatever happens, just get out of my sight

Nothing in common, gave me too much pain
I wont hold back for I have to gain,
to not worry, don't feel sorry for me
Should have mentioned this a million times,
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,

Time will come, I will be happy in someone's arms,
I will be moving forward freely with no harm.

...and you will still be a stupid inconsiderate fucking moron.

Hay. Tanga talaga. - Pure Tagalog Entry

Wala na sanang duguin dito. :D

Sa mga taong nagmamalasakit saakin at pumipigil (alam kong para saaking ikabubuti ang pagpigil) na magsend ng message sakanya, ipagpatawad nyo, dahil hindi ko natiis ang sarili ko at sinendan ko siya ng message today. Eto lang naman ang sinend ko: "uh, Hi?" - Parang talaga ako tanga ano? o tanga na talaga. Matagal na! Nabbwisit ako sa sarili ko. Pati narin sa walang kwentang hayop na lalaking pinagsendan ko ng message na yan.

Eto naman ang aking dahilan: Sana ay mainitindihan nyo rin -
Kahapon, at nang makalawa kausap ko ang aking oh so sweet na pinsan, marami akong narealize nung nakausap ko siya, at isa dito ay kung kailan nga ako handang mag "move on" ang aking sagot naman ay "hindi ko alam kung kailan, hindi pa ako ready" ang sagot naman nya ay, "kailan pa? umaasa ka parin" isang malaking OO ang sagot ko sa dahilan na walang CLOSURE saaming dalawa. Basta isang araw tinigilan nalang nya akong sagutin saaking mga mensahe. Ang sabi nila, yun na ang closure. Ibig sabihin iniiwasan ka na nya, ayaw na nya. Hindi parin ako naniwala, sinasabi parin ng puso't isip ko na meron pang pag-asa. Titigil lang ako kung sabihin nya na ayaw nya saakin, pero napagisip isip ko, mahirap sabihin yun ng deretsuhan, kahit ako cguro, mahihirapan. Nang araw na nakausap ko ang aking pinsan, yun din ang araw na nakahagilap ako ng balita tungkol sa aswang na yan. Simula nang tinigilan na nya ako kausapin marami siyang ginawang bago sa buhay nya. Nagbago talaga siya, at kasabay sa pagbabagong iyon, ay ang hindi pagkausap saakin. Tanong ko lang sa sarili ko, kasama ba ako sa mga masamang nakaraan nya? Ano ba talaga ang nagawa ko para ako ay iwanan nalang nya na nakabitin sa ere? O talagang ako ay ginawa nya lang pampalipas oras? Haaay. masakit isipin. Pero kailangang tanggapin. :)

Masaya ako para saknya ngayon dahil nabuhayan ulit siya ng loob. Hindi na siya yung lalaking nakilala ko na may galit at poot sa buong mundo, na kahit paglabas ng bahay ay hindi nya magawa. Nang malaman ko na maganda ang progreso ang takbo ng buhay nya, doon ka biglang naisip na padalahan siya ng mensahe, kung baga, para lang ipaalam na masaya ako sa nangyayari saknya. At siyempre, patalsik na rin na "baka" meron pa ngang pag-asa, so nagtry ako. At meron pa, gusto ko rin patunayan sa sarili ko kung paano ko mattake ang hindi nya pagsagot saakin, bago ko rin sha padalahan ng mensahe, sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na "kapag hindi to nagreply. wala na talaga tatangalin ko na siya sa lahat ng messenger ko" bibigyan ko siya ng isang araw at kung wala. eh di wala. Mabuti narin nang makapagmove on na talaga ako. BOOM. walang sagot. naginhawaan at nadismaya ako. pero hindi ako nasaktan. naginhawaan, kasi gusto ko narin naman mag move on wala lang talaga akong mapanghawakan noon, pero ngayon meron na, madali na para saakin. Nadismaya, kasi normal yun. dahil kahit nga papaano ay umaasa parin ako. Hindi nasaktan, HINDI talaga. wala akong naramdaman na sakit sa hindi malamang dahilan. Aaminin ko hanggang ngayon, naghihintay parin ako. Mabuti narin na ginawa ko ito, dahil makakatulong ito sa pagtanggap ng mga pangyayari. Kung sumagot man siya, HINDI KO ALAM ANG GAGAWIN KO pero 100% sure ako na hindi na sasagot yun. Sabi nga ng pinsan ko, masmadali mag move on kung tatangalin mo lahat ng makakapagpaalala ng tungkol saknya.

Bibigyan ko siya ng hanggang bukas ng umaaga - binibigyan ko din ang sarili ko ng oras para mapaghandaan ang aking sunod na gagawin - ayun ay ang pagtanggal ng lahat ng ala-ala. Kasabay ng pagtatapos ng buwan ng julyo, sana ay matapos narin ang lahat at maging matagumpay ang aking mga naging desisyon.

Sa mga taong walang sawang makinig sa aking mga katangahan at walang sawa sa pagpayo maraming maraming salamat. Alam ko na dapat noon ko pa ito ginawa pero hindi ako nakinig sainyo. Totoo nga, nagiging tanga talaga ang tao pagdating sa pag-ibig.

Siyet. Super emo. Sa tingin ko lang kasi kung hindi ko ito ilalabas maloloka ako. Sa ganitong paraan maeesplika ko nang mabuti at... maiiwasan din ang awards night. (maiiwasan din na mapagalitan.. hehe) Mashado kong ginawang big deal ito! haay. Sawa na ako.

OK LSS naman. Para sakanya to. Phak talaga siya. Grrrrrrr. Salamat din sayo hayop ka.

PS: katangahan nanaman. Hindi naman nya maiintindihan to, kaya naman walang preno ang mga salita ko. Kung mapadaan man siya sa blogelya ko, bahala siyang maghanap ng translator. TAE sha. Phak. hehe :P

Another PS: To my English readers, sorry. I have many reasons why I used my own language. Hope you understand. Cheers :D

The day you wrote this poem

... You made me happy. You made me smile. You made me feel I'm special, a feeling I never had for a long time.

May 18, 2008
Author: undisclosed

Looking at you while you're looking at me,
Wondering what all the things you say you can see,
I wonder what will happen when we will meet,
Whether ill be kneeling and begging at your feet,

The days we have been talking have always been good for me,
You have set some of my demons inside my head free,

I hope the day will come soon,
Then we can lay one night looking at the same moon,

See you soon

July 28, 2008
Author : Roxy

I read this poem you wrote every night holding my pillow tight,
Wishing on the stars for just another sight
thinking of you till the sun shines bright.

Look at me, waiting for you,
this poem you wrote, makes me want to rubble around you too.
Hoping the day would come and meet us two,
it's a dream I would never wake up when I'm with you.

A poem not making any sense,
what I'd do to make a difference?
Now that you're long gone,
everything has been said and done.


For the nose bleed... haha :D

Pinaasa mo lang ako
Kung ano ano pang pinagsasabi mo
puro labas sa ilong at kasinungalingan ang lumalabas sa bibig mo

Para kang insectong hindi mawala sa isip ko
ewan ko ba kung bakit ako nagkakaganito
Pang-ilan na ba ako sa mga nabiktima mo?

Siguro sayang saya ka sa nangyayari saakin
ano bang nagawa ko at ako ay pinarusahan mo ng ganito?
iniwan nalang sa ere at ginawa ang puso kong bato

isa lang ang masasabi ko sayo
isang malaking P H A K
pahabols...
ShukingInamesh kang hayop ka. mawala ka na sana sa isip ko!

hehe.. Ohhhhhh. That felt really good!

Tangkilikin ang sariling wika. I thank you. :D

P E A C E.

I miss you

Thought I'd make a quick post. Sorry I can't help it.

I am missing him soooooo MUCH. I saw him online. I thought this was easy, but it's not! I really want to send him a message. I am trying to resist myself and trying to think that If I do send him a message and he ignores me, I will go back to fucking zero again and regret that I sent him a message. So NO. I wont cause I dont want to upset myself. But I am sooo missing him. Really. :(

Anyway.. I am going out to watch a movie. I am taking the 10.20pm slot. Just to stop me from missing him. This is not right. I shouldn't be like this. I need to be stronger. :(

I am writing to keep myself busy until I go out for the movies otherwise I will send him a message. I am not kidding.

So I will just dedicate this song to him. :(

I miss you

It’s been too long and I’m lost without you
So what am I gonna do, said I’ve been needin’ you,
wantin’ you
Wonderin’ if you’re the same and who’s been with you
Is your heart still mine, I wanna cry sometimes


I miss you


Off to college, yes, you went away
Straight from high school you up and left me
We were close friends, also lovers
Did everything for one another


Now you’re gone and I’m lost without you here now
But I know I gotta live and make it somehow


Come back to me (To me)
Can you feel me (Callin’)
Hear me callin’ for you (For you)
‘Cause it’s


It’s been too long and I’m lost without you
So what am I gonna do, said I’ve been needin’ you,
wantin’ you (Woo...ooh...ooh...)
Wonderin’ if you’re the same and who’s been with you
Is your heart still mine, I wanna cry sometimes


Now I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ ‘bout you
And the days we used to share
It’s drivin’ me crazy, I don’t know what to do
I’m just wonderin’ if you still care


And I wanna let you know that it’s killin’ me
I know you got another life, you gotta concentrate,
baby


Come back to me (To me)
Can you feel me (Callin’)
Hear me callin’ for you (For you)
‘Cause it’s


It’s been too long and I’m lost without you
So what am I gonna do, said I’ve been needin’ you,
wantin’ you (Baby)
Wonderin’ if you’re the same and who’s been with you
Is your heart still mine, I wanna cry sometimes


I miss you


It’s been too long and I’m lost without you
What am I gonna do, I’ve been needing you, wantin’ you
Wonderin’ if you’re the same and who’s been with you
Is your heart still mine, I wanna cry sometimes (Yeah)

I miss you

I can’t (I) wait no (No more) more (No)
Since you went away
I don’t really feel like talkin’ (No)
Don’t wanna hear them bug me (No, no)
Tell me do you understand me
I can’t do but be without you


It’s been too long and I’m lost without you (Now tell
what I’m gonna)
What am I gonna do, I’ve been needin’ you, wantin’ you
(Yeah)
Wonderin’ if you’re the same and who’s been with you
Is your heart still mine (Yeah, yeah), I wanna cry
sometimes (Ooh...)

I miss you (Baby)

It’s been too long and I’m lost without you (Oh, no,
no, no)
So what am I gonna do, I’ve been needin’ you, wantin’
you (Whoa)
Wonderin’ if you’re the same and who’s been with you
(Hey...)
Is your heart still mine, I wanna cry sometimes (Oh,
no, baby)


I miss you


It’s been too long (Oh, yeah) and I’m lost without you
So what am I gonna do (No, no) I’ve been needin’ you,
wantin’ you (Baby)
Wonderin’ if you’re the same and who’s been with you
Is your heart still mine, I wanna cry sometimes

Last Poem - What it means to me

What it means to me

Essentially
To be a part of me,
To Hear and feel me,
To look right through me,
To help and set free, the true person inside me.

Regrettably
I showed a different side,
To be accepted and be liked,
Days, months then years go by,
I have believed my own lies,
Losing the true person inside,
I tried so desperately to hide.

Preferably
This happened to me and you,
To deal with variance issues,
No longer sure who is who
Pessimisms, aggravations,
I'll end it now and start anew.
No Expectations, No asking in return,
No promises, I won’t let this burn,
Unless you want to stop me and make me turn.

Forgivingly
I shared the truth,
I see the person I never knew,
I have high hopes; Try my best to hold on,
To believe dreams can come true,
And now here I stand,
Between us, no pretense or glass
With one last thing I want to see,
You'll never know what it means to me.

________________________

This means nothing now

Chat history

This post has been sitting in my drafts for the last few days and now I think it's about time to publish it. This is one of the main reasons why I started blogging and I hope this is the answer to everyones question - What the hell is she talking about!?

Is it good or bad to delete chat histories? I am obviously not over with this guy I met on the net. But I managed to delete all chat histories. YES, I did it. I know I am not making any sense. I came home early one night from work and logged on to my messenger and noticed there are a lot of contacts that I don't know and don't talk to anymore so I removed them from my contacts list. I saw his name out of the blue and started to think about him again... Sorry but I can't help it.

I browsed through our chat history and read a couple of our conversations a few months ago. I wish I could just bring back time and kept it simple as that way. It was good casual conversations, exchanging good music and we talk about mostly our daily lives, pasts and whatever comes in mind, we talk randomly like what normal people does online - No strings attached, Past time. What differs him from other people I talk to online is that he always makes sense and he listens and pay attention to every bits and pieces and miniscule details I say. I admit there are times that I just talk shit and totally not making any sense at all.


I started chatting online since I was 11 and I never got into deeper conversations like with him EVER. For the first time, I was honest with somebody over the net. He claims he's good in reading minds and with that he never fails to amaze me. He taught me how to loosen up a bit and not to worry about what people say about me. I never thought it's possible for someone to know someone so well even if you haven't met each other in person yet as if soulmates (!), and never had I imagined I would get emotionally attached and fall for someone Ive just talk to on the net in a short span of time.

Was I mislead? NOPE. He had never mislead me. I made wrong assumptions and I am the only one to blame. He was just helping me and he was trying to tell me but I was again in a selective hearing mode desperate to believe in one thing that I know is impossible to happen - LOVE.

Was it love? or... Lust? How can it be love or lust? Love is to get involved mentally, emotionally & physically, and lust is to get involved sexually, but neither of it happened? So how the hell could I answer that? although I have one thing in mind, his life has been in a chaotic situation and there's a little spot in my mind that's telling me to help him and make him happy. So... what is that?

Is he worthy of my help? - I am not sure. I didnt consider myself helpful. Instead I just made things worst for him. He is such an amazing person, very smart and knows his rights. He does complain a lot but he made me realize complaining is not bad after all. It is to prove that everything should be equal and not just let people get away with it. I admire him for his love and dedication to his kids despite the fact that he's going through some difficulties. And I am impressed on how he handle this type of situation. I mean seriously, how could someone handle a situation same as his? Honestly, his life is not what you want to exchange yours with but I find it interesting and it made me think that if there was a slight possibility that I could be a part of it, I would go for it. But I know my limitations and I have no right to expect to be part of his life. Him being a friend to me should have been enough... I just want to make it clear that he has (undisclosed to avoid some things) kids but he is now single. I'm just telling because I don't want people to think that I am a home wrecker or whatever term you can call that. I myself went through that phase. (yep, my parents split up when I was 6 then the story goes on and on..blah blah) I definitely don't have any plans to be a mistress. LOL :P


And then all of these are just one side - My side. I never knew his side cause I chose not to listen, probably afraid to hear the truth. I am not expecting everyone to be happy about my silly acts but I am normal and this is what normal people does. (I think) I admit sometimes I dont think before I act then regret it later on. It's not good but I am trying my best to change. Would you believe I actually told him that I am willing to wait even if it takes forever? I am not joking. This is probably one of the reasons that driven him further away and I lose the friend I need. He was just obviously giving out a helping hand, but I wanted more, more than he was willing to give. And now that he can't provide the help I needed, it stressed him out even more, which I have no intentions to but everything just happened so fast. I crossed a line and took advantage of his good nature.

What do/will I gain on publishing this post? Peace. Explanation. Acceptance of rejection.

...Most importantly CLOSURE. We will see.

Never ever?

Shockingly today I was so preoccupied with my work and updating things, Ive totally forgotten about him, (Gawd did he cast a spell on me?!) It's a good thing he's far, can't imagine how he'd hurt me if he's just nearby.. acck >.<

I think I am slowly going back to normal again, which I think is good!If Im completely back to the normal me again, I swear I would never ever do this same mistake. I would never ever ever ever tell someone what I really feel unless someone tells me first, I would never ever degrade myself again just to make someone happy, enough worrying about other people, it's time to make myself happy now and I mean it! ....I'm not mad :) Im just saying what I think should be said. I thought it would take me a long time to get over things, but honestly, it has just been 1 week and half and things are going differently upon expectations... I can't say Im totally over, it's just taking some time for me to slowly accept the facts. Oh gawd I can't believe Im saying this, I mean, he doesn't deserve this! it's unfair! ;P

Oh well, I guess for now I have to believe the saying "what goes around comes back around" and I always believe in "karma" not bad karma, but good karma :)

This I will promise myself, if somebody gets really hooked on me, I would never take advantage, and I will let him know right away if I like him or we're better off as friends. I will never ever make him a fool for letting him wait for nothing.

Wish me luck :)

Him

I haven't had fun in 2 months. When I finally went out last night to have dinner and few drinks, someone called me which I do not know who? But Im definitely sure its from skype. The thing about call forwarding to my mobile is the caller appears "witheld" so it sucks that I dont know who's calling. So anyway, I'm thinking its him. I have a feeling its him. I cant hear anything from the other line but I have a feeling its really him, I just hung up cause theres no point of saying hello a hundred times. But then this kept me up all night. I feel its him but I dont want to think its him cause I dont want to upset myself. I haven't been online for a week now cause it made me more upset when I see him online, then I send him messages but ignores me completely. Im aware of this and its just taking me time to get used to like this, I mean its perfectly fine if sometimes you just dont feel like talking to someone, I do that too.

So after dinner, we had a couple of drinks... we went to this place called "spicy fingers" (a bar in Wan chai, HK) The band was about to start and everything is going very well ordering drinks, chatting, meeting new people... They started with this song. The song that reminds me of him. The song that (I think) made us both realized we were falling for each other. or.. what made ME realize Im falling for him. So, was that a sign? or just a coincidence? A phone call from someone and the song. Whatever. It's just driving me nuts. I took a video and its up to you to figure out the title of the song.



That's just great, when you want to have fun, these things come unexpectedly and just spoils what I have been trying to keep up. Its not that I don't want to talk to him, god knows how I miss talking to him, but the big question is, does he still want to talk to me?

I am not mad at him (and will never be) I am just giving him time and space and letting him do whatever he wants. I don't want him to get stressed because of me, I want to help him but because of my selfishness, I am being one of his burdens and that is totally NOT helping him.

So this is the first time Ive posted something about him (I dont need to mention a name due to some circumstances).

I want to say thanks to the people who has been listening to my never ending story about him. This is really affecting me and I understand they sometimes get annoyed with me. I remember my sister saying "Come on, stop thinking about yourself! if you really care for him, you should not be thinking about yourself! What he's going through is not a joke and that he should focus on serious matters. he's the one who needs help, NOT YOU."

She's right and Im doing this to myself because I deserve this....

So Im going to end this post now and I hope this will be the first and last upsetting post about him. I feel a bit better now as Ive gotten this all out. I will try to live a normal life and at the same time be strong to hold on to everything and wait for better things to happen. As Ive said to him, I will not lose him and he will not lose me, I am willing to wait, even if it takes forever. :)

.........~ Spero Melior.... ~ I hope for better things...

Worst Week

1 week of confusion, sadness, emotional stress, and depression... All because of 1 reason... I am in love. All of these are part of the love process, so I have to learn and deal with it. Ive already dealt with the fun part so this time its the hurt part. Wish me luck >.<

I hope this all ends before monday and I hope something good happens to me next week or else I will go crazy. I don't want to forget things, I dont want to stop hoping, The more he pushes me away the more Im challenged,
The more I feel challenged the more I nudge myself. I know the truth will hurt, but I wish he could atleast tell me what he really feel, does he want me to stop? does he want me to wait? does he really care about what I feel?

There is no way I could take back what I said, but I dont have any regrets, The truth will always set me free.

Yep, Dreams can come true :) It will, someday :)

Dreams

Move a step closer you know that I want you

I can tell by your eyes that you want me too

Just a question of time I knew we'd be together

And that you'd be mine I want you here forever

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel

I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real

I know what I want and baby it's you

I can't deny my feelings 'cause I know they are true

[CHORUS]

Dreams can come true

Look at me babe I'm with you

You know you gotta have hope

You know you gotta be strong

Dreams can come true

Look at me babe I'm with you

You know you gotta have hope

You know you gotta be strong

I've seen you sometimes on your own and in crowds

I knew I had to have you my hopes didn't let me down

Now you're by my side and I feel so good

I've nothing to hide don't feel that I ever could

Do you hear what I'm saying gotta say how I feel

I can't believe you're here but I know that you're real

I know what I want and baby it's you

Can't deny my feelings because they are true

Dreams can come true

Look at me babe I'm with you

You know you gotta have hope

You know you gotta be strong

Dreams can come true

Look at me babe I'm with you

You know you gotta have hope

You know you gotta be strong

I'm not making plans for tomorrow let's live for tonight

I know I want you baby so hold me tight

Put your arms around me you make me feel so safe

Then you whisper in my ear that you're here to stay

Dreams can come true

Look at me babe I'm with you

You know you gotta have hope

You know you gotta be strong

Anything for you

Anything For you

First time to see a smile,

Bring out the happiness for awhile,

A smile that is so true,

Will do anything just to please you.

Endless days, Sleepless nights,

What I'd do for just one sight,

For you I will do this fight,

Whatever happens, Just hold on tight.

So much in common, So much pain,

Both holding back w/ nothing to gain,

Let's not worry,

Let's not feel sorry,

Should have mentioned this a million times,

I will be here for you,

I will wait for you,

Time will come, I will be yours, and you will be completely mine.