Chat history

This post has been sitting in my drafts for the last few days and now I think it's about time to publish it. This is one of the main reasons why I started blogging and I hope this is the answer to everyones question - What the hell is she talking about!?

Is it good or bad to delete chat histories? I am obviously not over with this guy I met on the net. But I managed to delete all chat histories. YES, I did it. I know I am not making any sense. I came home early one night from work and logged on to my messenger and noticed there are a lot of contacts that I don't know and don't talk to anymore so I removed them from my contacts list. I saw his name out of the blue and started to think about him again... Sorry but I can't help it.

I browsed through our chat history and read a couple of our conversations a few months ago. I wish I could just bring back time and kept it simple as that way. It was good casual conversations, exchanging good music and we talk about mostly our daily lives, pasts and whatever comes in mind, we talk randomly like what normal people does online - No strings attached, Past time. What differs him from other people I talk to online is that he always makes sense and he listens and pay attention to every bits and pieces and miniscule details I say. I admit there are times that I just talk shit and totally not making any sense at all.


I started chatting online since I was 11 and I never got into deeper conversations like with him EVER. For the first time, I was honest with somebody over the net. He claims he's good in reading minds and with that he never fails to amaze me. He taught me how to loosen up a bit and not to worry about what people say about me. I never thought it's possible for someone to know someone so well even if you haven't met each other in person yet as if soulmates (!), and never had I imagined I would get emotionally attached and fall for someone Ive just talk to on the net in a short span of time.

Was I mislead? NOPE. He had never mislead me. I made wrong assumptions and I am the only one to blame. He was just helping me and he was trying to tell me but I was again in a selective hearing mode desperate to believe in one thing that I know is impossible to happen - LOVE.

Was it love? or... Lust? How can it be love or lust? Love is to get involved mentally, emotionally & physically, and lust is to get involved sexually, but neither of it happened? So how the hell could I answer that? although I have one thing in mind, his life has been in a chaotic situation and there's a little spot in my mind that's telling me to help him and make him happy. So... what is that?

Is he worthy of my help? - I am not sure. I didnt consider myself helpful. Instead I just made things worst for him. He is such an amazing person, very smart and knows his rights. He does complain a lot but he made me realize complaining is not bad after all. It is to prove that everything should be equal and not just let people get away with it. I admire him for his love and dedication to his kids despite the fact that he's going through some difficulties. And I am impressed on how he handle this type of situation. I mean seriously, how could someone handle a situation same as his? Honestly, his life is not what you want to exchange yours with but I find it interesting and it made me think that if there was a slight possibility that I could be a part of it, I would go for it. But I know my limitations and I have no right to expect to be part of his life. Him being a friend to me should have been enough... I just want to make it clear that he has (undisclosed to avoid some things) kids but he is now single. I'm just telling because I don't want people to think that I am a home wrecker or whatever term you can call that. I myself went through that phase. (yep, my parents split up when I was 6 then the story goes on and on..blah blah) I definitely don't have any plans to be a mistress. LOL :P


And then all of these are just one side - My side. I never knew his side cause I chose not to listen, probably afraid to hear the truth. I am not expecting everyone to be happy about my silly acts but I am normal and this is what normal people does. (I think) I admit sometimes I dont think before I act then regret it later on. It's not good but I am trying my best to change. Would you believe I actually told him that I am willing to wait even if it takes forever? I am not joking. This is probably one of the reasons that driven him further away and I lose the friend I need. He was just obviously giving out a helping hand, but I wanted more, more than he was willing to give. And now that he can't provide the help I needed, it stressed him out even more, which I have no intentions to but everything just happened so fast. I crossed a line and took advantage of his good nature.

What do/will I gain on publishing this post? Peace. Explanation. Acceptance of rejection.

...Most importantly CLOSURE. We will see.