Sleepless Nights

02Oct2010

I know for a fact that everything happens for a reason. Everything needs to be justified. For me at least… Even the slightest problem in the world I always want find a way to justify or convince myself for believing the reasons that “I THINK” is right. Maybe its a way to make me feel better.

I’ve been having sleepless nights – as I speak. It is 5.30 in the morning, I was up since 4… or maybe earlier than that. It’s like I was asleep but I wake up every 5 minutes… or so I think.

I think I know the  reasons why I’ve been having sleepless nights/days – to “justify” and to make myself feel better, I am making a list.

I start with the possible reasons… Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right. I don’t really know.

• I’m a living pillow, My hubby likes sleeping so close to me.. more like squishing me. No complains though I like cuddling – Not when I try to sleep or get comfortable though… it’s hard to move when you’re locked in someone’s arms.
• Our bed is too small for the 2 of us, we need a king size bed. I don’t have space to move and get comfortable.
• My hips gets sore when I sleep on one side more than 10 minutes. So I roll like a washing Machine. I think it’s because I am gaining weight, I am getting heavy and when I’m asleep the pressure is on my side hips. O.o
• My Right shoulder hurts. It hurts when I lift my arms up. It hurts when I sleep on my right side.
• I sleep more than 8 hours.
• I’m stressing about my green card application. It is still processing and I need to wait 4 more months.
• We are broke. we spent most of our money on my green card application :( Why is it so expensive to be with your husband in the US? I think I know why a lot of illegal immigrants are “illegal” because not everyone could afford to get legalized. It costs a fortune to pay for the application and you’re not even sure if you will get approved or you will just have to go back to your country and forced to be parted from your husband/Family.
• I need to work but I can’t till I get my application approved. I’m stressing about our bills.
• I’m thinking about my Family I left back home… OR maybe they are thinking about me?
• I’m worrying about the responsibilities I left back at home.
• I’m gaining weight.
• I don’t exercise.
• I have High cholesterol.
• I’m bored.
• PMS???

My paranoia is kicking in. I could not think of any possibilities why I’m having troubles in sleeping.

• someone Died?
• I’m going to die?
• Something bad happened to my Sister and my nephew?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
• Someone is thinking about me?
• I’m getting cheated on?
• Something bad will happen to me?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application? Oh.. Did I type that already?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?
• I’ll get rejected on my green card application?

Okay okay. So most of my worries are about my application.

Please DO NOT judge me. A lot out there probably think that I married my hubby just for the green card. In a way, you’re right… but for the wrong reasons. I need a green card because I want to be able to work and help my hubby pay bills. I want to help, I want to be useful. I HATE BEING A BUM LIKE OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO MOOCHES OFF MONEY FROM FAMILY and FRIENDS. Most importantly, I would like to be able to live here and be with him, so we could start a new life, a family and get settled.

We tried to live in Hong Kong, I sponsored for his resident card but he is not comfortable living halfway across the world knowing that his mom has heart problems. Of course he would want to be near mom if anything bad happens.

I left a good paying job and a pretty decent life in Hong Kong just to be with him and I don’t have any regrets on that. I am happy being with him and I don’t want to be away from him anymore. We both waited one year just to be together. We both don’t want to be away from each other anymore, we waited long enough. We deserve to be together and live a normal life. If it weren’t for this immigration formalities, our life would be so so so much better and we could be more focused in saving money and starting a family.

But then, I know in the long run these hardships would make us closer and stronger.

I am so stressed right now. I think Im having a nervous breakdown. Someone please help me?

Focus on other things

Guess what? I have written 4 posts already and none of them are published, all saved to drafts.

It's all about him again so I think its not worth publishing it, Im just getting sick of everything about him. hehe sorry.

So I decided to write something that I think is worth publishing. As some may know, I am chubby and I am conscious when it comes to my weight, I sometimes tend to lose my confidence, probably one of the reasons why I don't go out lately and stopped socializing, upon my observations, 80% of the people that lives here in HK are overwhelmingly thin and health conscious. Ive done different kinds of crazy diets and none of them works and everytime I fail I lose more confidence and get depressed. And when Im depressed I do something to make myself feel good. EAT. I can say I am patient, but when it comes to these things, I lose patience and give up easily. I am nearly 5ft. 10", Yes, I am tall for a normal filipina, I consider myself one eventhough I have a bit of spanish and chinese blood running through my veins, anyhow, speaking of height, I get stressed even more when my family and friends say not put my height to waste and have a healthy diet, so I did and I started 3 months ago (should've started ages ago!) and the results are not so bad after all, Im not trying to be a pro on health talks but I just want to share some tips of what Ive been focusing on lately - My healthy diet. It's very simple, If I can do it, so can you. (Blimey, are my marketing skills convincing enough? LOL)

So here it goes:

1.) Fruits, Fruits, Fruits, Fill up on the fruits! - I am a massive snacker, I always eat loads of rubbish in between meals which is undoubtly bad for an office girl like me sitting all day infront of the pc, all those saturated fats from crisps and other junks are all going straight to my belly. Eww! I realized all that when I watched a tv show from BBC lifestyle. Fruit helps with sugar cravings! so when I crave for ice cream or other sweets I snack on prunes, Fat free Good carbs biscuits or keep an apple in my bag. Having snacks are not always bad for your diet, you just need to eat good snacks :)

2.) Ditch the alcohol! - I always enjoy drinking alcohol as I never get drunk! I have no idea why? I get hang over the morning after but I never get drunk, they said my body is immuned on high percentage of alcohol, but on thing Im sure of is its never immuned on high percentage of calories! here is the full explanation on how we can gain weight in drinking alcohol - http://www.second-opinions.co.uk/alcohol.html ALCOHOL -A BIG NO NO >.< when Im out with my friends for some drinks and I dont want them to put pressure on me having an alcoholic drink, I have one that looks similar, hehe Just a tonic water and lemon on the rocks! Looks like gin tonic and tastes a bit like one too, it's a little secret between me and the waiter/bartender :P

3.) Eat more veggies :) - Like fruits, veggies are great to fill myself up so that I'm not tempted to snack on rubbish! but not all veggies are good unfortunately, potatoes, parsnips, peas, sweet corn, and baked beans are BIG NO NO's because they are full of suggies (Sugar) that will turn into fat :)

4.) Water therapy glug glug glug - I always try my best to drink 2 liters of water a day. It flushes out my system and trust me, I feel so much better for it! it sounds like alot, I wont drink 2 liters in one go! ofcourse I divide it into glasses and throughout the day I had 2 liters before I know it.

5.) Seriously, CUT the carbs! - Spaghetti bolognese, Lasagna, White rice, Sandwiches, oh golly, Im drooling over the thought of these foods. I avoid carbs especially after 6pm, it bloats me out and hell I can't work them off. So in the evening, I try to stick to veggies with chicken or fish, or if I'm too lazy to cook, I have myself a bowl of cereals and fat free milk :)

6.) Im not strict ;p - Are you a chocolate lover? Im not, but have you heard of cheese lover? I looooove cheese! all kinds of cheese! blue cheese, cheddar, mozzarella, Brie, goats cheese name it I will eat it! as long as it's cheese hehe :P I allow myself treats every now and again. And I always stick this in my mind, a diet's not supposed to be torture after all! If I fancy ice cream, cheese or a piece of chocolate, I'll have it! it's always ok to ocasionally have something you're craving - that way, I won't feel tempted to go off the rails and binge.

7.) Most important thing to do is.... Exercise :) - Everyone knows that, even a 7 yr old kid knows that! As long as I move and sweat I consider it as an exercise! I'd dabbled with exercise and done bits and pieces of running, playing badminton, walkatons, but I'd never stuck to anything as I get lazy. I joined the gym :) and found myself new friends! Mr. Cross trainer, Mr. Treadmill, and Mr Cycling (I assume guys, lol much fun and to put more determination :P ). As an office girl, I don't have much time to do exercise on day time so I go to the gym on night time and work out 3-4 times a week to get the full benefit, I do still get lazy sometimes so I just go to sauna or steam room for relaxing and to melt a bit of fats away! If you're too embarrased to being all red-faced and sweaty in the gym, I suggest you buy a training dvd and do your exercise in your living room :) Exercise is always good you will enjoy it eventually.

So this is it. My revelation of my not-so-complicated healthy diet I hope this post didnt bore you, but it's worth reading! this goes out to guys as well. For three months, I loss weight and gained confidence and that is all that matters to me. I hope this helps and encourage people like me who lacks confidence in physical appearance. Good luck to me! Happy Dieting! :)